


Vaudeville

by rainbowbeanie



Category: Original Work
Genre: Coming of Age, DON'T READ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SEX TALK, Discussion of Rape, F/M, Gen, High School, M/M, Multi, Neighbors, PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO TRAUMATIZE ANYONE, Past Rape, Rape Mentions (sorry), Senior year, Underage Mentions (also sorry), WARNING-SWEARS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:02:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22027519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowbeanie/pseuds/rainbowbeanie
Summary: Caleb is starting his senior year of high school, and he's happy for the most part. He's got a girlfriend, good friends, good grades. But he can't get over his looming fear of what comes after high school, and he can't stop thinking about his old friend and neighbor, Kali Rai.
Kudos: 3





	1. In Which we meet Caleb, and his therapist(kind of)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I'm posting on any platform, so I'm pretty new to it. I'm going to try to be consistent in my posting? Also, If you have any comments on how to improve my writing or the story, please let me know. All of my stories are works in progress, and I'm always open to criticism or suggestions.

_ When I was seven, I would have sworn to you that Kali Rai was the most beautiful girl in the world. I used to see her in the backyard with her sister and father, building a tree at the end of their yard. It was a really cool tree house. Kali had designed it herself. I know because she told everyone who let her talk that she had designed her own tree house. Kali had designed it herself. I know because she told everyone who let her talk that she had designed her own tree house. She was proud of it, and she’d get this look in her eyes like she knew everything there was to know. Maybe that’s why I thought she was beautiful. Or maybe I was just young and delusional. Her parents and mine used to talk all the time. She would come over to my house and we’d watch old movie on the VCR while our parents ate dinner. She wouldn’t talk to me because she was so enraptured with old black and white films. It was really fun.  _

_ We stopped really talking to them when it got awkward. Durga was Kali’s sister. Is, I should say. She’s not dead. She was just angry. Nobody knew why. I don’t know when she changed but she did. She would fight with her parents, and we could hear her screaming. I’d bet the whole street could hear her. They stopped coming over. They stopped work on the treehouse. Three years ago, Durga left, She was seventeen. I’m seventeen now. We never talking to the Rai family, though we basically shared a backyard. Also, I’m pretty sure sure Kali broke into our house and stole the VCR. And honestly, after all she’s been through, she can have it.  _

_ I’ve been thinking about Kali a lot lately. Not because I’m into her or anything, Because two weeks ago, she pulled a whole pile of wooden boards outside, and started working on that treehouse again. For a little I thought Durga had come back. But I hadn’t seen her, and nobody said anything. Kali seems to have some kind of plan. When we were little she was always scheming.  _

_ To be honest, I don’t know why I feel so bad. It’s not like I bully her or anything. Nobody picks on Kali, even though she’s kinda weird. Maybe it’s because they’re scared of her, or her crazy friends. It’s not like I deliberately ended our friendship. We just grew apart. Lots of people stop hanging out as they get older. It’s not something I should have to feel guilty about… right?  _

_ Jenna says it’s because I feel guilty for not being there when her sister left. Jenna’s my girlfriend, though I don’t know why. She could do so much better than me. She has done a lot better. I tell Jenna basically everything, because that’ s what you do when you love someone. That’s why she knows about Kali’s family drama. She doesn’t ever talk to Kali, but she tries to smile at her in the hallways. Jenna’s a really good person. She’s part of this whole save the earth initiative that fights climate change. Plus, she looks REALLY pretty when she smiles. I didn’t think I was the kind of guy to fall in love with a pretty girl in my senior year of high school. But here I am.  _

_ I am two weeks into my senior year, actually. Things are good. I’m sure everything will be fine. Damn, I hope Maureen doesn’t have to read this.  _

* * *

“Caleb! Hurry up, you’re going to be late!”

“Coming, Mom!” Caleb slammed the notebook shut and shoved it into his desk drawer. The doorbell rang and he leapt down the stairs to answer it. 

“Jenna!”

“Hey” She said. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept. Knowing her, she probably hadn’t. 

“You gonna eat breakfast?” his mom asked, stepping in to give Jenna a quick hug. 

“Nah, I’ll eat a big lunch.” He smiled at his mom and ducked out the door. 

“Are you forgetting something…” Jenna asked. Caleb looked down at himself. He was, in fact, wearing all his clothes. 

“Your backpack?”

“Shit.” Caleb dashed back inside to get it. He could hear Jenna laughing at him. Anyone else, he might have been annoyed at. But Jenna could laugh at him all she wanted. He truly did not mind. 

Jenna and Caleb walk to school together every day. She lives about four blocks down from him, so she’ll knock on his door every morning at 7:15 exactly and they’ll walk the last ten blocks together. Prairie High is the smallest public high school in the state. There were about a hundred students in the senior class, and they all knew everybody else's business. Evidently, Caleb was immune to all that, either because he didn’t care or he didn’t notice. Caleb preferred not to talk to people he didn’t know, and not to talk about people he didn’t know. It seemed mean. Jenna understood that about him. She got him. That’s why he loved her. 

“What’s up, lovebirds?” Caleb felt thick arms surround him, and he nearly fell over. 

“Hey, Ryan.”

“Hello, Beautiful! You still with this loser?” Ryan was one of Caleb’s closest friends. They were on the track team together, and they were both moderately good at it. 

“Yep. Out of all the losers in the world, this one’s my favorite. “ Jenna stood on her toes and kissed Caleb on the cheek. 

“I’m your favorite loser?”

“Of course, Babe.” Caleb was not as witty as his friends, so he just smiled. 

“Do we have a workout today?” Ryan asked. 

“I hope not. I’ve got plans.”

“Taking your lady friend out on the town?”

“Something like that.” It was not something like that. But Jenna knew to play along, so she snuggled up next to him and sighed, happily. 

The trio arrived at school, and Jenna ran away to greet her other friends. Ryan and Caleb stood next to each other in a comfortable silence. 

“Hey, Caleb?”

“Yeah?” Caleb turned. 

“You know I don’t… I’m not… I mean, I would never…” Ryan stammed, and Caleb chuckled. 

“I know, bud. Besides, you’ve been hot for Michelle since forever.” Immediately, Ryan shoved a hand over Caleb’s mouth. 

“Someone might hear you!”

“Brother, you can’t hide it and you never have. Everybody knows.”

“Except for her.”

“If you want her to know, then tell her. It worked out alright for me!”

“But it’s different! You and Jenna are like soulmates.”

“We’re not perfect.”

“You’re just perfect for each other.” Ryan shook his head. “I’ve gotta get to class, man. See you?”  
“Yeah” Caleb replied. Ryan ran off. He never seemed to slow down. Maybe that’s why they got along so well. Caleb didn’t like to slow down either. 

His thoughts were interrupted by someone slamming into him. 

“Oh! I’m sorry!” said a voice. He looked up to see… Kali Rai?

“It’s alright…” She didn’t really wait for his response. She grabbed him at the elbows and pulled him upright. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good.” She let go of him awkwardly, and walked away. He stared at her as she left. 

“You should have talked to her!”

“And said what?”  
“Anything! That was your chance.”

“I don’t need anything else on my plate. Trust me.”

“And what if she needs a friend?”  
“She has friends”

“What if she needs another friend?”

“Just leave it alone, Jenna. “ She looked at him, but she didn’t say anything. “What Kali Rai does is none of my business. Now, let’s go to class.” 

“Alright… but we’re talking about this later. And by that I mean you’re talking about this later.” Jenna looked at him, pointedly. 

“I will, I promise. Let’s just get to Calc before I lose credit. 

* * *

“To be honest, I think your fascination with her is normal” Maureen said. She always knew what he wanted to hear. But that was her job, as a therapist. “People often hang on to bits of their past that feel unfinished, and once you’ve been reminded of something that used to be important to you, it often becomes important again. “

“I guess that makes sense” Caleb replied. “But what do I do about it?”

“Well, you can either talk to her or… not. It’s really quite simple.”

“Except it’s not simple at all.” Caleb sighed. “ Why do you think I’m like this?” he asked, not for the first time. Maureen smiled sadly, and gave the same answer she always did. 

“Anxiety isn’t who you are, Caleb. It’s something you have. It’s an illness, and one you can overcome.” 

“The fact that I can doesn’t mean I will.”

“It doesn’t, but from what I’ve learned about you these past months I truly think you will learn to manage it. You’re intelligent, and kind. You’re at a very stressful point in your life, and it’s natural to worry about things beyond your control. You just need time, and you can’t be so hard on yourself.” 

“I know.” He glanced at the clock on the wall, and saw that it was time for him to head home. “I guess the appointment is over.”

“Yep! I’ll see you next week, and until then you feel free to text me if you ever need to talk.”

“Thanks… I’ll keep that in mind.” He stood up awkwardly and left. Biking home was relaxing, as he knew the path so well he didn’t have to think about it. He could put his earbuds in and let his mind wander, and not have to worry about killing anyone due to his distraction. Biking was better than driving. For the environment, for the economy, for himself. Caleb felt like he was making a good choice. He was tempted to stop by Victor’s house. His parents wouldn’t mind as long as he sent them a text, and he was really in the mood for some Case Closed. Victor, being a weeb of the highest degree, owned almost five hundred of the nine hundred total episodes on DVD, as well as most of the movies. He had gotten Caleb hooked on the show, as well as Ryan, Ricky, and Jenna, all of whom would never admit in public that they spent evenings watching anime. 

Caleb had homework. So he didn’t go to Victor’s house to watch Case Closed. He did not really want to do his homework, but he knew how disappointed his mom would be if he didn’t do it.  That was his motivator for most of his good decisions, that it made his mom happy. He started track because his mom wanted him to do a sport. He took AP classes because his mom thought it would look good for colleges. He even went to therapy because his mom said it would help. It did help. His mom was usually right about such things. 

He pressed on the breaks as he approached his house. He used to speed up, so he could go flying up his driveway, until the one time his garage was closed and he slammed head first into it. Since then he had been inordinately paranoid about his speed. It had been years, and he had not gotten over it. That seemed to be a trend for him, not getting over things. 

He collapsed on his bed as soon as he got to his room. He tried not to fall asleep, because he had work to do. He couldn’t sleep his life away. He could see the tree house from his window, and there she was. Kali Rai, nailing up boards against the walls or something. He couldn’t really see what she was doing. Another shadow crossed the little window. There was someone in there with her. The nosy part of Caleb wanted to know who it was. A friend? Her father? Durga? Or was it her boyfriend. Caleb always forgot that she had a boyfriend. In his mind, she was still a weird little girl, which made it so strange that she had a boyfriend. His name was Aadi, and he seemed pretty nice. They were from two of the four south asian families in Prairie. For a small town, it was fairly diverse, which Caleb appreciated. He would have hated being the only mixed person around, but there were a couple others. Kali used to say that people could come into Prairie racist, but they couldn’t leave that way. She would always say wise things like that. 

Despite his better intentions, Caleb drifted off to sleep. 

* * *

_ I am an idiot. I have a whole packet of notes to do by tomorrow and I just took a three hour nap. At least it’s still fairly bright outside. I don’t work as well when it’s dark out. I think it’s just instinct to be tired when it’s dark out. Probably some kind of weird evolutionary thing. Anyway, I want to talk about Kali Rai some more. Specifically, I want to talk about Adi, her boyfriend.  _

_ For the longest time, I thought he was gay. To be honest, I still think he’s gay. I feel really bad about it, because he’s dating a girl, so he can’t be gay. But I can’t get the feeling out of my head. It seems so mean, doesn’t it? I can’t say anything about it either, because it would be like saying he doesn’t really like her. I’m sure he does like her. I’m sure they’re very happy together. I just want to supportive? Though she doesn’t even want me to be supportive. Kali Rai has dominated my thoughts these past few weeks…. But she probably hasn't thought about me at all. Am I a creep? I have a girlfriend, who I love. Jenna gets it. She isn’t jealous, because she’s great and super understanding of the way I feel. She knows I’m not INTO Kali or whatever. I guess we just have unfinished business. Like a ghost. Still haunting for years after they’ve died because they can’t just get that one thought out of their heads. I’m a creep, aren’t I? Or at least this one thing is creepy. I don’t think I can escape this. Maybe I should just own it. That’s what Jenna always says. If you don’t like something about yourself, own it, and then you’ll learn to like it. I can get a pair of binoculars and spy on her. I could get a drone and fly it outside her room. I could sneak into her house and put a wire in there so I could hear her humming to herself at night. I know she does that, because she hums whenever she thinks, or she sings little songs of do-das and ba-de-das. You know? You don’t know. You aren’t a person. I am talking to a notebook.  _

_ I’m going to bed now.  _

  
  


_ Goodnight.  _

  
  
  
  
  



	2. In Which we Acquire Condoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS A LOT OF TALK ABOUT SEX IN THIS CHAPTER.  
> PLEASE DON'T READ IT IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.

_Maureen thinks I’m too empathetic. She says I’m too emotionally involved in other people's problems, which causes me to be really anxious all the time and need Prozac to behave like a normal person. I think I’m not empathetic enough. I know about people who are in terrible situations and I don’t do anything about it. If I really cared, I would help._

_Or maybe I’m on the other end. Maybe I’m crazy and obsessive and I’m going to end up in some weird Jeffery Dahmer situation._

_If you’re wondering, I’m still thinking about Kali Rai._

_Jenna is so wonderful, really. Any other girl would leave me if they knew I was obsessed with another girl. But not Jenna. I think I may have mentioned this already._

_Ryan and I have a track meet this weekend, and after that me and Jenna are planning to have sex. I am having SEX with my GIRLFRIEND on SATURDAY. I just need to get out of their weird headspace. Jenna and I have been planning on this for a while. Jenna had sex with her last boyfriend and it pretty much ruined their relationship. I don’t want to be like that. I care about Jenna, and I’d be with her even if she never slept with me. Not that I don’t want her to. I’m an adult virgin, and I personally would like to not be one. And I won’t be, after THIS saturday. FOUR DAYS. God, I am so lucky to have her._

_I’m going to get l a i d. But that means I’ve gotta buy condoms, and I don’t know...how… to do that. I’m probably going to go to CVS, because I’ve seen them in CVS, and Ricky’s dad owns Village Pharmacy, and if he sees me he’ll tell my mom, who’ll tell my dad, who’ll sit me down for ‘the Talk’. I know the stuff, I passed 10th grade health. Be safe, consent must be mutual and continuous, go slow and have fun. Ryan, the friend who has undoubtedly gotten laid the most, says that most girls are REALLY into guys going down on them. (Like, you know…. ) At least, I think that’s what he meant. He tends to be really vague when talking about our hookups. I’m pretty sure he got with Jon Cabrera, the fastest runner on the track team. I know they were sexting cause I saw the screenshots, but I don’t know if they actually got together._

_Wow, sexting is such a weird word. I kinda hate it. Kinda. Me and Jenna never do stuff like that. She’s uncomfortable with it and honestly, I am too. Maybe I should get her a gift or something. ‘Thanks for being amazing’, or something. Is that weird? Or would it be like, I’m buying sex or whatever? I definitely do not do that. I just want to show her how much I love her._

_God, I am bad at this._

* * *

The bike was far more jingly than Caleb would have liked. It felt like everyone in Prairie knew where he was going, and what he was doing. He wasn’t ashamed, but also, he was ashamed. What would his parents think if they knew? 

All he needed was a few condoms. He hoped they cost less than forty dollars, because that was all he had. It would have been way weird to google the price of condoms. Maybe he could have gotten free ones from school.

No, he couldn’t do that. 

Jenna had offered to go get them. But Caleb personally felt that if he did not have the balls to get the condoms, he did not deserve to have sex.

The Prairie CVS was a place of wonder. Unlike everything else in the town, it was new and fresh. Everyone went to the Village Pharmacy for medicine, but they come here for vitamins and supplements and the like. And, Apparently, condoms. Caleb hopped off his bike and leaned it against the wall, then strolled inside the store. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked, glancing at himself in the security camera. Wow, he looked like a mess. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea that his time here would be on permanent record. 

He saw the ‘Family Planning’ aisle and made his way towards it, trying to look casual. He made awkward eye contact with the store clerk, and quickly looked away. He knew that man. Smith Waters, father of Abby Waters, who was at Prairie High with him. Ricky had a crush on her for two whole weeks ( a record for him). He quickly ducked into the aisle. He’d seen Mr.Waters at school events, but hopefully Mr. Waters hadn’t seen him. Still, something about the way he was staring made Caleb feel like he was in trouble. 

He had a different problem now, though. There were so many kinds of condoms. Why? Why were there so many words involved in this process? He picked up one box to look at it, but set it down and jumped back when he heard footsteps. Smith Waters walked up the aisle, and Caleb froze. He held his breath until the footsteps faded. 

He looked once more at the box he held. ‘Durex: Extra Large’. He sighed, and grabbed the regular size. He flipped the box over, to see if there were any instructions. There were a lot of constructions. He was completely lost in them. Smith Waters walked back down the aisle, and this time Caleb didn’t chicken out. He would see the condoms anyway, at checkout. Why should it matter? He wasn’t ashamed. 

He clutched the box and walked to the register. 

“Hi” he said, and he slid the box across the table. Smith Waters glared him. 

“Can I see some ID, young man?”

“Um…” Did he have to show ID? He didn’t bring ID! He didn’t know you needed one. 

“He doesn’t need to show ID.” A voice rang out from behind him. Caleb turned to see Kali Rai. 

“He does if I ask him to.”

“Actually, it’s illegal to ID someone for trying to buy condoms.”

“This is my store.”

“Well, if the law doesn’t apply here, I’ll just be taking these.” Kali waved her chip bags in the air, and made a move towards the door. 

“Bullshit.”

“Fuck this. Fuck you!” Kali marched back at him, and dumped her things on the counter. Then she grabbed my hand and dragged me out. 

“FUCKING ASS.” She yelled. She turned and kicked the door, causing them to rattle loudly. 

“Be careful! You don’t need to be so mad.”

“You aren’t mad?”

“He probably just didn’t know minors could buy condoms.”

“Are you serious?” Kali stared him down. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because he’s racist.” Kali said. Caleb stepped back. 

“He...what?”

“He’s a racist. He never cards white boys for anything. Plus, he kept walking up and down the aisle and giving you the evil eye.”

“He thought I was going to steal.” Caleb’s eyes widened. “How did I not realize.”

“Maybe you weren’t looking.”  
“For racism? No, of course not.” Caleb clenched his fist. “I should go tell him off.”

“Don’t. He’s not worth it.” She held out a hand to stop him. 

“How did I not know that?” Caleb shook his head. “I’ve been there a hundred times. 

“Well, he doesn’t exactly advertise it. I don’t even think he knows.” Kali hopped on her bike, then turned back to him. “Do you still need a condom?”

“I… yeah.”

“I’ll get you one.”

“From where?”

“I’ve got some in my treehouse.”

“ _You have sex in your treehouse!!! I can see that from my window!_ EW.”

“Ew? What are you, twelve?”

“I don’t want to watch you get it on!”

“I don’t.”

“Then why do you have condoms in there?”

“Do you want one or not?” Caleb sighed.

“Yeah.”

“Then hurry up! Gosh.” She rode off, going slow enough that Caleb had time to follow. 

“Hurry up!” Immediately, Caleb smiled. 

“Race?”

“Hell Yeah!” They both sped up, pushing down on the pedals as fast as their legs could go. It had been years since they had done this, but Caleb wasn’t worried. He’d always been faster than her. It took four minutes to get from CVS to their neighborhood, and Caleb was in the lead for three of these minutes. He slammed on the brakes, leaving skid marks on the sidewalk. 

“I win.”

“I’m sure Jenna will be very happy with that stamina of yours.” Kali slowed to a stop, grinning at him. 

“I sure hope so.” He chuckled. “Treehouse?”

“Yeah.” They headed to the tree, and up the ladder to the treehouse. It was a room, about ten feet across and five feet wide. It was bigger than it looks, especially now that it was complete. 

“This place is nice.” Caleb said, and it wasn’t a lie. It was pretty well made. However, the set up was weird. Along the side there was a series of photos and articles, connected with bits of string like a detective mystery board from a movie. There were fancy lights strung from the ceiling, colored white and red, all centered around a big mirror on the wall. The opposing wall was covered in shelves, featuring various musical instruments, strange hats, and glittery shoes. The floor was covered with rugs and pillows and beanbags. There was an old television, the boxy old kind, and hooked up to it was… 

“My VCR”

“What?”

“Is that… nevermind.”

“Anyways…” Kali reached onto a shelf and pulled down a box. She popped it open, and inside were several boxes of condoms.

“Do you really need that many?”

“I keep them for friends.”

“Why?” Caleb asked. Kali shrugged. 

“A lot of people are uncomfortable buying them and I’m not.” 

“Nice of you.”

“Yeah.”

They stood awkwardly for a moment. 

“You can take one.”

“Oh, Shit, Yeah.” He picked one at random and stuffed it in his pocket. “Can I ask…”

“Hmm..?” Kali turned to him. 

“What is this place?”

“It’s my… place. My room. My… shrine.”

“To what? Tap dancing? The eighties?”

“To vaudeville.”

“Cool, cool. And what's with that?” Caleb pointed at the weird murder mystery board. Kali’s eyes grew wide. 

“Oh, SHIT.” She reached up and pulled a cover over it. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just… It was just…”

“Ah, it’s fine. It;s my fault.” Kali hit her forehead with her wrist. “Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.”

“I really didn’t see much.” He didn’t know whether he should console her or just leave. But then he thought about Maureen, how she talked about how guilty he felt. Kali Rai was the reason he couldn’t sleep at night. She was the friend he had abandoned, his failure. He had failed her, and he felt bad about it for years. This was his chance to do the right thing. So he took his chance. He stepped closer and put his hand on her shoulder. 

“What’s going on?” Caleb said. Kali shook her head and smiled. 

“You don’t really want to know.”

“Why else would I ask?”

“Okay.” She breathed in, and out, slowly. “Okay.” She walked back up to the board and pulled her makeshift curtain aside. Caleb walked over to look at it. There were articles pinned to the wall with thumbtacks, all dated back seven years ago. There were flyers for events at nearby community centers, printed out e-vites to parties, and a poster than read ‘Durga Rai: Missing’ Kali breathed out hard and spoke again. “My sister. She’s been gone for three years now. Nobody knows where she went, or why she left, but I’m going to find out.”

“I’ll help you.”

“Why?” Kali looked him dead in the eyes. Caleb decided to go for the honest answer. 

“Because I want to know.” Caleb said. Kali nodded. 

“Come back tomorrow at midnight.”

“Why?”

“We’ve got work to do.” Kali turned theatrically, then shoved him outside and slammed the door. 

* * *

_I have no idea why Kali Rai wants me to meet her at midnight on a thursday. But I called Jenna and she said it ‘sounds like fun’ so I guess I’m going? She liked to tell stories, and go on adventures. She’s probably just having us meet at midnight to preserve the mystery or whatever._

_So why do I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for this._


	3. In which CVS is robbed(and justice is served)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit happens, skittles help.

_Tonight’s the night! No, no, not the sex night. It’s not saturday yet. Tonight I go meet Kali, at midnight in her treehouse. At first, I thought it was weird, but now I’m kinda excited. Kali and I did stuff like this back in the day. It’s sure going to be a real nostalgia kick. Jenna thinks it will be, too. I was texting her earlier (yes, even earlier than 7am) and she says she thinks Kali Rai might be able to solve all my problems. I didn’t have the energy to explain to her how that’s not really how anxiety works, so I just let her have it. Also, she could be right, at least partly. Talking to Kali might get rid of some of this guilt. And maybe when we find Durga I’ll stop feeling so bad, If we find Durga. To be honest, she could just be gone. You hear about stuff like that, people who disappear without a trace. I wonder what was going through her mind. I, personally, don’t think I could handle leaving. I’d miss my friends too much, and my family. Though to be honest, I don’t remember Durga having too many friends. She was really abrasive. Maybe nobody could deal with her._

_That felt mean to say._

_Durga wasn’t a bad person. It was just that you couldn’t talk to her. Ever her own sister couldn’t get through her walls. She must have been really lonely._

_I don’t think she’s dead. I don’t think anybody could get close enough to kill her. But I wonder if she’s any happier now that she’s gone. I wonder if she got what she wanted. Anyway, I’ve got to get ready for school. I have a bio test today and it’s going to waste me._

  
  


“That bio test WRECKED me. ” Caleb said. He sighed hard and slammed his head into a locker. 

“I’m sure you did fine.””

“Fine? I didn’t know a single thing on it.”

“Did you study?”

“No.”

“Then it’s your own fault.”

“I know, I know.” Caleb said. “Well, at least it’s over.” He turned to Jenna. “You wanna come over?”

“Sure.” She smiled, and Caleb’s heart melted. 

“We can get pizza on the way home, if you want. 

“Nah. Let’s make one.”  
“One what?”

“One pizza. Let’s make a pizza. It can’t be that hard. My mom does it all the time.”

“Um...okay. I guess we can do that?”

“Yes! Do you have yeast?”

“I’m like, 90% sure he doesn’t have a yeast infection.” Ryan cut in. 

“Fuck off.” Caleb shot back. He turned, his lips grazing Ryan’s cheek. Apparently he had severely underestimated how far away he was standing. 

“Ooh, get you man, Jenna, or I might take him.”

“You can have him.” She replied, shoving Caleb away from her. 

“In your dreams.” Caleb grinned, then leaned over and kissed Jenna on the cheek. “Sorry, Ryan. I’m out of your league.”

“Sure you are, buddy.” Ryan patted him on the shoulder. “What are y’all doing?”

“We’re heading to Caleb’s.” Jenna said. “Wanna join?”

“I’ve got cooler things to do.” This was Ryan’s code for ‘getting laid’. 

“On a thursday?” he grinned. 

“What can I say?” he spunned, flipped his hair, and walked away. Caleb smiled and put his arm around Jenna. 

“Let’s go.”

“Yeah.” The walk home was uneventful. They talked about their days and school and funny things that their friends had done. Walking home with Jenna was always tranquil, like they had no worries in the world. They never talked about bad things on the walk home. It was a happy time.

“You excited?” Jenna asked him. 

“About what?”

“You know…” She nudged him. 

“Oh! Um..”

“Um?”

“Um… Yes. Totally, Very.”

“Very?”

“I mean, the normal amount.”  
“That’s good. 

“Are you excited?”

“Very.” She smiled at him. They arrived at Caleb’s house. “Does your mom have any snacks. 

“Um… maybe?”

“You’ve been umm..ing a lot.”

“You made me nervous! That’s not fair.”

“Hey.” Jenna turned, took his hands, and looked him in the eye. Caleb really wanted to kiss her, but if his mom saw she’d make fun of him all day. “You know you don’t have to be nervous around me. I know that it’s hard to believe, but I would never judge you for anything, because, you know.” She looked at the ground nervously. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Jenna.” Caleb said. Forgetting his worries, he kissed her, and when he pulled back she was smiling. 

“Good.”She opened the door and walked inside. 

“Hi, Rema! Got any tacos?”  
“I’m not sure Jenna, did you bring your Klan mask?”

“You know I always have it on me.” Jenna said. 

“You two NEED to stop making that joke. It is beyond inappropriate.” Caleb said. His mom turned to Jenna. 

“Do you mind?”

“No. Do you mind?”

“No, so we’re find.” She grinned and ruffled Caleb’s hair. 

“Still! What if someone hears you?”

“Don’t worry, Caleb. We’ll be careful.” Jenna smiled and wrapped an arm around him. “Your room?”

“Yeah.” They walked up the stairs. 

“There are tacos in the kitchen if you want!” his mom called up. 

“Really?” Jenna said. 

“Yup? Just for you.”

“Yum. We’ll come and get some in a bit.”

“Take your time.” she said, and Jenna and Caleb walked up the stairs. Caleb’s bedroom was at the end of the hall. It wasn’t a big room, but he had enough space for his desk and his bed, and the poster of Usain Bolt his father had gotten him two years ago. It was good enough. 

“You’re going to see Kali today, right?”

“Um… yeah. At midnight.”

“Cool. That treehouse is really something.” Jenna smiled at him. “Do you know what she’s going to do?”

“Probably just talk. We used to sneak out a lot at night and play games in her backyard. We’d pretend to be spies or ninjas or whatever. It was really cool.”

“It sounds cool.” She sat down at his desk, spinning the chair around wildly. “I never did stuff like that when I was a kid. My mom was really strict.” Caleb recalled that Jenna lived with her stepmom and father. Her mother and father divorced a few years back, and Jenna respectfully declined to go see her mom. 

“Well, you can do that now.”

“Play pretend? Sure.”

“Adult play. You know, dungeons and dragons.”

“Didn’t know I was dating such a nerd.”

“I’m one of the ten kids taking AP Bio. Of course I’m a nerd.”

“Okay, okay. But I’m not sure I’m welcome in the boys’ club.”

“They all like you.”

“I know, but I don’t want to take away from the time you spend with them. My last relationship ended with me losing all my friends. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“You are such a good person.” Caleb said. Jenna flipped her hair over her shoulder, dramatically. 

“I know.” Then she turned, and pulled her math folder out of her backpack. Caleb pulled his binder out of his bag and lay on his bed to work. But laying on his bed always made him tired, and before he knew it he was asleep. When he woke up Jenna had left, and there was a note on the desk reading ‘ily!:) good luck tonight’. Caleb smiled and tucked the note into his pocket. 

It was about 8 o'clock, meaning he had just enough time to do his homework, and hopefully watch an episode of Case Closed before midnight rolled around. 

In fact, midnight came ridiculously fast. The amount of homework they gave high schoolers was ridiculous. Someone should start a petition or something, protest all this nonsense. One way or another, the sun had gone down. Caleb turned off the lamp at his desk, coating the room in darkness. He slipped out the door, which he had strategically left open so the creaking wouldn’t wake his parents. He moved down the stairs, through the kitchen, and out the back door. 

There was a light on in the treehouse, which he could see through the gaps in the wood. He climbed up the ladder, trying to make a little noise so he wouldn’t be heard. 

“Good, you’re here.” Kali said, clearly unconcerned about being heard. She threw a pure black ski mask in his direction,. 

“Hi?” Caleb said. 

“Don’t just stand there, we need to get going.”

“Get going where?” Kali stopped, and smiled at him. 

“Tonight from 12:30 to 1:30, CVS’s security system will be off. We’ve got to go and be back before anybody notices.”

“Wait… you want us to rob CVS?”

“I prefer the term burgle. And yes.”

“I thought this was about finding Durga!”

“It is.”

“How will robbing a pharmacy help us find her?” Caleb gestured wildly. 

“Before she left, my sister was on some kind of medication. My parents take the labels off the bottles, and even now they won’t tell me what it was. But I remember my father would go pick it up from that CVS.”

“So, we aren’t stealing anything?”

“No, we are definitely stealing something. That old racist fuck needs to learn his lesson.” 

“I thought you said he wasn’t worth our time.”

“Oh, he’s not. But since we’re in the area…” She stopped, and grinned at him. “We might as well mess with him. Just a little.” Kali tossed him a pack, slung her own over her shoulder, and walked out the door. 

“Wait! Wait, I can’t do this.”

“Okay.” Kali replied. She turned to climb down the ladder. 

“Where are you going?” he asked

“CVS. I told you.”  
“Still?”

“Yup.” She grinned. “I’ve got work to do.” Caleb’s heart raced. He had no idea what to do. Which was worse? Robbing a CVS, or letting Kali rob it on her own? He clenched a fist, and made his decision. 

“I’m coming. 

Breaking into the CVS was surprisingly easy. They arrived at the building around midnight, and Kali had clearly planned everything out. They went around to the back door and Kali pulled out a key. 

“How the FUCK did you get a key.”

“I’ve been planning this for months. “

“Okay, but HOW THE FUCK did you get a key.”

“It’s a long story.” Caleb decided he was better off not knowing. He was in a boatload of trouble as it was. 

“What now?”  
“We search.” Kali pushed the door open, and Caleb braced for alarms. When none came, he laughed softly. 

“Thank god.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Are you god?” Caleb raised an eyebrow. 

“A god of petty crime.”

“Sure…” Caleb tried to hide his chuckle, but he couldn’t. “I can’t believe we’re really doing this.” Kali ignored him, probably because she was busy walking up the candy aisle. “I really don’t think we should steal anything.”

“This guy’s an ass, he deserves it.”

“...No?”

“Well, you don’t have to take anything.”

“I won’t”

“Good for you.” She pulled a pack of skittles off the shelf, then walked back towards Caleb, and past him. “Let’s get going.” They walked to the back of the store, and hopped over the counter into the pharmacy. Caleb’s hands were shaking. This was the first crime he had ever committed. Breaking and Entering was serious stuff. How did he let this happen?

“You check if they kept her records with the more recent stuff. I’m going to see if I can get into that storage room.” She pointed to an old wooden door, masked by shadows. “That’s probably where they have it, anyway.”  
“Because it’s been so long.”

“Yeah.” They got to work, Kali on opening the door and Caleb digging through the files. For his convenience, they had organized them alphabetically by last name. He looked for a few minutes to find it, but he did. ‘Rai, Durga’ shoved in between other thick manila folders, overflowing with paper. 

“Kali! I found it.” He pulled the file out of the cabinet, and slammed it shut. 

“Really?” She asked. She abandoned her task and walked over to him. “That’s weird. Maybe they forgot to file it away?”

“Maybe,” Caleb said. He set the file on the table so they could both look. “There's a lot of stuff in there. We only have, like, half an hour.”

“Let’s get to work, then.” She opened the file and pulled out a few pages, taking photographs of the things that looked important. Caleb followed suit. This was weirdly interesting, reading all these records. Apparently every time she stopped by, they had written it down. This all must have been before they switched to electronic records. Based on the amount of papers, it had probably been in the last few years. The papers described about five years worth of transactions, purchases of ‘sertraline’. They had slowly been increasing the dose for her, like his psychiatrist had done for a while. Kali stopped working abruptly, staring at the paper in her hand. 

“Did something happen?”  
“This marks all the times these records have been accessed. Like, all the times someone has requested to see them?”  
“Um… yeah?”

“The last time was eight months ago. She was here eight months ago.”  
“Oh, shit.” Caleb moved to look at the file. Kali was right. Someone had looked at these eight months ago. 

“What’s the point of living in a small ass town if people can just sneak around like this? How did nobody see her? Why didn’t...?” She stopped short. “Did she not want to see me?’ Kali looked at the floor, clearly trying to hide tears. Caleb didn’t know what to say… but he had to say something. 

“From what I remember, Durga really loved you.” This was true. It was their parents that she had hated. 

“Then why doesn’t she want to come see me?” Kali asked. 

“My therapist says sometimes you have to give up a good thing to protect yourself from the bad stuff. Maybe she couldn’t stand to be around your parents.” Caleb said. Kali nodded. 

“Am I allowed to know what you need a therapist for? I understand if it’s personal.”

“Oh, I have anxiety.” It was weird. It had taken him months to build up the courage to tell Jenna that. But maybe since he’d known Kali since forever, it was easy to tell her. 

“Oh nice! Me too.”

“What?”  
“Yeah, I’ve got anxiety too.”

“...Cool?”

“Um...kindof? I mean, at least I’m not the only loon in the bin.”

“We can be nutcases together.” he chuckled. It was relieving, genuinely. To his knowledge, none of his other friends had issues like this, so they couldn’t really understand. Maybe Kali would get it, if she had the same problem. 

“I’d love to have a heart to heart, but we’ve got ten minutes before the security system starts back up again.”

“Yeesh! Let’s get out of here.”  
Don’t have to tell me twice.” They headed out the back door,, shutting it tight as they slipped away. They walked back together, Durga’s file tucked securely under Caleb’s shirt. Kali was openly snacking on the skittles she had taken, which made Caleb nervous for a variety of reasons. But no alarms blazed and nobody came running at them, so slowly, Caleb began to feel comfortable. 

“I really can’t believe I did that.”

“You didn’t have time to think about it. Therefore, you didn’t have time to be anxious about it.”

“But you’ve been planning this for months. How are you not freaking out.”

“This kind of thing doesn’t get to me. It’s more… long term anxiety.”

“Because of all the options.”

“Exactly!” She grinned at him. 

“No thanks.’

“Your loss, bud.” She threw a few into her mouth and hummed contently. 

“You should go home.”

‘You sure?”  
“It’s one-thirty-something am and you have school tomorrow.”

“Yeah, but…” he pulled the file out reluctantly. “I want to keep helping you.”

“When I need you, I’ll let you know. “

“Alright.” Caleb smiled at Kali, and then he went inside. 

* * *

_So that fucking happened._


	4. in which no one gets laid (spoiler alert)

_ Holy shit, Holy shit, holy shit it’s saturday.  _

* * *

Caleb didn’t have time to write. He was busy. He had shaved, showered, eaten, brushed his teeth, showered again, gelled his hair, hopped into the shower one last time to wash out the gel, and now he was sitting on his bed wringing his hand together. This wasn’t a full-blown panic attack. It was something else. A mix of nerves and excitement and apprehension. It wasn’t too bad. Things had definitely been worse. He wasn’t anxious, he was nervous. It was a different feeling entirely. He had told his parents he was going to Victor’s for an overnight case-closed marathon. If things went south with Jenna, that’s exactly what he would do. Not that he thought anything would go wrong with Jenna. They had been planning to do this for like, three weeks. He wouldn’t want to pressure her, though. Was she just doing this because she thought he wanted to? Caleb considered calling the whole thing off. Then he stopped himself. Even if she didn’t want to do it, he would get to spend a chill night hanging out with his amazing girlfriend. One way or another, he would be having a lot of fun tonight. 

He grabbed his back and headed out of his room. 6 o clock seemed like a good time, and if he wanted any longer he might chicken out. He said bye to his dad, kissed his mom on the cheek, and left. He rode his bike to Jenna’s, though he could have walked. Biking calmed his nerves, and God knows he needed that. It took about two minutes to get to Jenna’s. The garage was open, so he parked his bike and walked inside. 

“Jen?” He called out. He felt arms wrap around his waist. 

“Hey, baby.” Jenna nuzzled her face into his neck, and he sighed. 

“Hey, Jenna.” 

“You ready for tonight?”

“Of course, but… are you sure?”

“Hell yeah, I’m sure. I’m Horny, Fool.”

“But like… yes.”  
“Yes.”

“Hmmm… if you change your mind, just tell me, okay? No pressure.” Caleb turned to her, and put his hands on her waist. She laughed, and kissed him, and his head spun. 

“You are such a good guy.”

“Thank you, m’lady. Now, food?” Jenna had made mac and cheese, which was a strange food to eat before sex. But Jenna loved mac and cheese, and Caleb loved Jenna, so he ate up and made a mental note to brush his teeth later. He went to the living room, put on the disney channel, and waited for Jenna to join him with the blanket. 

“Why are you watching disney.”

“I dunno.”

“Let’s put on a movie. Netflix?”

“Sure.” They ended up watching a Disney movie anyway. The Prince and the Pauper, the old version with Mickey Mouse. 

“Is it weird that we’re watching Mickey before we have sex?” Caleb asked. He was laying on the couch, and Jenna was laying on top of him, and the popcorn was in a bowl on top of her. 

“Just don’t think about it.” She smiled and curled up against him, moving the bowl to the floor. He kissed her, and he could feel that radiant smile on his lips. He could just kiss her until the end of time. She, clearly, wanted more. She wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him closer. He could feel her body move against him, and suddenly his whole world was on fire. The girl owned him. 

The phone rang, breaking the spell rather unceremoniously. 

“I’ll get it.” Jenna groaned, and rolled off of him. Caleb didn’t try to stop her. If fate did not want him to get laid tonight, he would not intervene. Besides, there was always the slight chance that it was important. Jenna rushed back into the room. 

“Caleb, get up. It’s important.”

“Oh, shit.” he sat up. 

“Guys, it’s Ryan. You have to get to Victor’s, like, now. Sorry to ruin your night, but this is an emergency.”

“What’s going on?  
“Victor’s aunt and uncle died in a car crash, two of his cousins are going to come live with him now, and he’s freaking out about it.”

“Oh Shit.” Caleb said. He turned to Jenna. 

“We’re on our way.” Jenna ended the call, and looked at him. Any trace of desire in her eyes was gone. When it came to her friends, she was all business. It was one of the things Caleb loved about her. “Bikes?”

“Yeah.” Caleb grabbed his bag. Jenna shut off all the lights, and they rode out. It was one of those situations during which it was impossible to really talk. Who knew what to say at times like this. Caleb didn’t know what to do with death. He never knew how to handle it. Part of him wanted to turn the other way and ride back home. He wanted to lay in his bed and live in a world where no one died and left two young children behind. But Victor needed him. Victor was freaking out, so he couldn’t. Caleb steeled his nerves, and sighed. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, of course, don’t worry about me.”  
“Alright.” They both knew he wasn’t the one they should be worried about. They turned onto Victor’s driveway, then dumped their bikes and went to ring the doorbell. Ryan opened it before they could. 

“Thank god.” Ryan said. 

“Is everyone else here?”  
“Yeah, Ricky got here a few minutes before you did. Let’s go.” He turned and half-ran down the stairs, Caleb and Jenna on his heels. The basement lights were off, and instead the room was lit by the aggressive strobing lights of a disco ball. That stupid thing was at least six years old, and normally it was only used as a joke. This was not a joking situation. 

“Hey guys, welcome to the party!” Victor yelled. He raised a cup of what Caleb hoped wasn’t alcohol. Of course, with Victor you could never know. 

“Victor, are you okay?” Jenna said. She walked up to him and put an arm on his shoulder. 

“Why wouldn’t I be? My only family in the county is half dead, and the other house is going to be living in my house! If you ask me, it is the perfect time to party!” He grinned, and moved to take a swig. RIcky stood, appearing from seemingly nowhere, and grabbed the cup from him. He poured the contents of the cup down the sink. “You are no fun.” Victor said. He plopped down on the floor. Caleb moved to join him, and after a few minutes they were all surrounding him on the floor. Victor was not a touchy person, though he made an exception for Jenna because she was so gentle. The five sat in silence, in a circle on the floor, waiting for something to change. 

“You know, the longer you deny your sadness, the longer you’ll be sad.” Caleb said, quoting Maureen almost exactly. 

“I’m not… I mean.” He leaned, swaying back and forth anxiously. “I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”

“Were you close to them?” Jenna asked. 

“I don’t know? I mean, they lived two hours away, so I really only saw them on holidays. I wasn’t close to them, not really. But Dad… he was always tight with his brother. They talked on the phone almost every day. I would have talked, but I was always down here. I never took the chance to get to know them.” He stopped swaying, clutching his knees against his chest. “And my dad… he hasn’t looked that sad since my mom died. He always kept things together around me, even then, because I was little and I didn’t really know what was going on. But when he got that call… he cried, you guys. He just sobbed. It was terrible. I couldn’t even…” He rested his head on his knees, and whispered. “I didn’t know what to say.”

Ricky reached out, and put a hand on Victor’s head. 

“Man, I don’t even know how I’d react if my Dad started crying.” Ryan said. “I’d probably run away. Bro, it’s impressive that you stuck around.”

“I feel the same way.” Caleb said. “Of course, my father is too annoyingly stoic to ever cry, but if he did, I would freak the fuck out.”

“You’re not the only wreck in this basement.” Ryan laughed as he said it. Victor laughed too, though he didn’t take his eyes off the ground. 

“Where  _ is _ your dad?” Jenna asked. 

“He’s on his way to Maryland, to get my cousins.”

“They’re coming here? Tonight?” She jumped up. “Where are they going to sleep?”

“Um… I’m not sure? My house isn’t that big. We might be able to turn my Dad’s office into a room? But he needs that space to work.”  
“Well, how old are they?” She asked. 

“Matthew is eighteen and Megan is seven.”

“Hm… I guess Matthew could sleep down here?”

“He could, but I don’t know if he wants to sleep in anime dreamland.” Ryan said. He gestured to the wall coated in posters promoting various shows. “Don’t you have those air mattresses somewhere? From when you moved here.”

“Somewhere. Yeah, but I don’t know where they are. It’s been like, eight years or something.”

“Let’s find them!” Jenna said. She jumped up. “Come on, it’ll take your mind off of things. 

“I don’t want to take my mind off of things. I want to wallow.”

“No matter how sad you are, your cousins are sadder. They just lost their parents! Let’s make this place somewhere they can feel safe. It would suck if they didn’t even have a bed to sleep in.” Jenna said. Caleb, personally, thought she was wrong. Victor shouldn’t have to put his emotions on hold so he could help someone else out. Maureen was always telling him not to compare his problems to other people’s. But she looked so happy, to be helping. He couldn’t say no to this girl. So he stood up, and reached out a hand to help Victor get up too 

“If you wanna lead the search for the air mattresses, Ricky and I can grab some bedsheets.” He turned to Ricky, who nodded. 

“This is going to be fun.” Jenna shook excitedly. “We can make them little bedside tables and put up posters.”

“There are already way too many posters in this room.” Ryan said. 

“There is literally no wall space.” 

“So? You’ve got those dumb trophies all over your room. At least I’m not showing off.”

“Oh, I’m showing off?” It was a good sign that Ryan and Victor were fighting. They’d been having dumb arguments like this since they met. It was a matter of pride, being one of those jock-versus-nerd situations. They never fought about anything serious, and yet they fought constantly about the dumbest things. Once they fought for almost two hours over the pronunciation of the word ‘sword’. Nothing helped his anxiety like being with his friend. They were always the same, and they were always there for each other. He was so distracted by how nice they all were that he walked directly into a wall. 

“Dunce.” Ricky chuckled. 

“Leave me alone, Ricardo.” He replied. Ricky smiled, and shrugged. They were always the blanket-gatherers, whenever the boys slept over, which happened exclusively at Victors. Victors dad was chill, but also responsible enough that even when they were younger their parents would let them stay here. They’d pull every spare blanket in the house down to the basement and lay on the floor all night, watching movies and talking. If there were two more people in this house, would they be able to hang out here? Or would they have to find a new place to hang out? What if Victor couldn’t hang out with them anymore because he had to get a job to support his new family. What if his new cousins were really cool and normal and the forced Victor to stop being a weirdo and then he started hanging out with cooler kids and he wouldn’t ever be part of the group again?

His train of thought was broken by Ricky placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“We’re here.” He nodded toward the linen closet. The house only had two stories, but it managed to have six rooms on the main floor. The kitchen, living room, master bedroom, office, and bathroom, and a storage nook, all placed so hilariously badly that it took at least five minutes to go anywhere. 

“Do you think… I mean…” He didn’t know how to phrase his fears in a way that didn’t make him seem crazy. 

“Things have a way of working out. Like homeostasis. Eventually, they’ll return to stability.”

“You would use a bio term on me.” Caleb laughed, and the knot in his chest loosened. Ricky shrugged, a classic Ricky move. Together, they opened up the closet and pulled out every blanket, pillow, and pillowcase on the shelves. They dragged them through the convoluted mess of hallways, and down the basement stairs. Ryan and Victor were still going at it. 

“Come on, you little gremlin. What are you going to do, one-punch me?”

“The fact that you even know that reference means you’re not as cool as you think you are.”

“I know that reference because it’s one of the seventy million posters on the wall.”

“First off, my posters are cool. Second, you didn’t even use that right. You can’t one-punch someone, it doesn’t make sense like that.”

“Things I don’t know, because I’m not a weeb.”  
“Ryan, you spent 36 hours straight this summer watching all the Case Closed movies with the rest of us. We’re all weebs.” Caleb cut in. 

“What does that mean?” Jenna asked. 

“What word?”

“Weeb? Is it like dweeb without a d”

“No, it’s short for weeaboo? It’s like, someone who’s really obsessed with anime but in a weird way? But also better than an otakus who are literally fetishists.”

“So you mean all this isn’t a fetish.”  
“Fuck off.” Victor picked up a pillow and threw it at Jenna.

“Don’t hit my girlfriend.” Caleb said. He grabbed a pillow and smacked Victor with it. 

“Y’all better not be having a pillow fight without me.” Ryan said. He grabbed the pillow off of Victors bed and flung it at Caleb. 

“FUCK.” he toppled over, caught off balance by the force of Ryan’s toss. 

“Don’t worry, babe, I’ll protect you.” Jenna grabbed a pillow, but before she could even move Victor was whaling on her. 

“Step off, bitch!”

It only took a moment for the whole room to devolve into chaos. Jenna knew these boys took their fights seriously, so she stepped aside before the punches started flying. Ricky put Caleb in a choke-hold and dragged him to the side. 

“This is kinky.” Caleb said. In response, Ricky pushed him up against the wall and kissed him on the cheek.

“I knew you were cheating on me!” Jenna said, walking over with feigned rage. 

“I can explain!” Caleb reached out and pulled Jenna into a hug.

“I should certainly hope so.” She smiled. Ryan and Victor were lying in a pile on the floor, Ryan using his height and weight to keep Victor pinned down. 

“Are you sure you’re not killing him?” Jenn asked. “He looks a little dead.”

“Yeah, Ryan. You’re killing me. Lay off.”

“Say these posters are dumb.”

“Hell no.”

“Then suffer.”  
“I think there’s been enough suffering today.” A new voice came from the stairwell. They all turned. Standing there was a boy, six foot two and the same pale shade of white that Victor was. His eyes were a piercing shade of green, but this was overpowered by the puffiness around his eyes. 

“Matthew.” Victor said, breaking the spell. Ryan rolled off of him and Victor stood, then ran to greet his cousin. 

“Hey.” Matthew said. They stood face to face, not moving. Nobody moved. For a moment, a single, blissful, moment, they had all forgotten the circumstances that brought them together, but this new addition brought them all hurtling back towards reality. “Still not a hugger, are you.”

“Not really.” Victor looked at his feet. “Sorry.”

“No worries, but. Are these your friends?” he nodded towards the group. 

“Oh yeah, these are the boys. Ryan, Ricky, Caleb, and Jenna.” He said, pointing to each of them in turn. Matthew laughed, and turned to Jenna. 

“Are you one of the boys?”

“I am the manliest man in this room.” She said, grinning. 

“Are you so sure? You don’t even know me.” he said. Jenna had no response. 

“Anyway, we tried to make a bed for you… We got a little distracted.” Victor said. 

“I can see that. Let’s blow up one of those air mattresses. Megan is upstairs, and she’s really tired.”

“She can sleep on my bed. You and I can take the mattresses.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like that. She’s so little, and…” He stopped. “I don’t think it’s processed yet, because I’m not sad. Not yet. But she cried as soon as she heard. And she rarely ate in the first place and now she won’t eat at all and she is so little.” 

“We’ll take care of her.” Ryan stood up, and walked over to Matthew. “We’re all here to help. You don’t have to worry.”

“How could I not worry. She’s my baby sister. I have to take care of her, now that my parents are dead.” Suddenly, his whole face changed. His eyes widened, and his skin blanched. His knees buckled and he toppled over, Victor and Ryan rushing to catch him. Jenna took a tentative step forward, and then she moved to hug him. Ricky stepped up too, and wrapped his long arms around the pair. Soon they were all wrapped around each other, a tangle of anxious teenagers leaning on each other. Even Victor, chronically touch averse, lay a hand on Matthews head. It was a little awkward, but his intentions were pure. The moment was wonderful, but slowly the group became aware of how uncomfortable this was. Matthew sighed, and stepped backwards to break the circle. 

“Thanks. I mean, I barely even know you.”  
“You’ll get to know us. We’re here all the time.” Ryan said. 

“I look forward to it.”

* * *

_ This night did NOT go as planned. I don’t think it was anyone’s fault. I just think it was… I don’t know… unexpected? I mean, of course, it was unexpected. Nobody can predict people dying. But things just kept going and changing. I didn't have an attack, which is very good. I wouldn’t want to make the situation worse. I would never. I mean, I don’t know. Sometimes my anxiety makes me turn other people’s problems into my problems. It’s not cool, because obviously I should be able to support them and not need them to support me. But I always need someone to watch my back for me. It isn’t good. I guess being able to talk to Maureen has helped me a bit. At least now I’m self aware. I can tell myself it’s my stupid brain tricking me into believing something weird. I can try to control myself.  _

_ Matthew is a really nice guy. Even after his parents had literally just died, he could put a smile on and make his little sister feel better. You can tell he really cares about her. Jenna is the same way, where she can’t let people be sad around her. I love her so much.  _

_ Victor will recover from this. He’s always been a little odd, but he’s one of the best people I know. He’s so strong, and reliable. Not in a physical way. Like, he’s been able to take anything. His mom died when he was really young. She had some kind of cancer, but he doesn’t like to talk about it. Him and his dad have been living in that house alone ever since. Victor falls in love real fast, and he’s not afraid of getting rejected so he always goes for it. It never went well for him. Girls just weren’t into him, I guess. Or maybe he just wasn’t into girls who were into him. Now, the size of his household has doubled.  _

_ Will everything change? Life itself is reliant on simple., stable things. Life is a card tower. Beautiful, but fragile. Right now, all the cards are in the air. Nobody knows how they will land.  _

_ Look at me, making metaphors like some author I did get straight A’s in english last year. Maybe I’m a gifted writer. Or maybe I’m being an angsty teen.  _

_ Dumb metaphors like that are good explaining. The card thing, for instance. That feeling is unsure, but a chaotic sort of unsure. I should tell Maureen about this development. It may be helpful, for communication or whatever. Maureen talks about communication all the time. She says it’s really important for handling my anxiety. And she always says ‘handling’ or ‘managing’ because there is no cure for anxiety.  _

_ All my problems are made up. Maureen always tells me not to say that, but it’s true. Matthews parents are dead. That’s a real problem. Victor’s dad needs to take care of two more children. That’s a real problem. I don’t know why I’m so anxious. I don’t even know what it is that I’m anxious about.  _

_ I don’t know what's going to happen. That doesn’t work for me. I need plans and order and rhythm and routine. I hate what has happened to Victor and his family, and I hate that I am making it about me. I just want things to be normal. I want everything to stay exactly the same forever. I don’t want to go to college or leave Prairie or make new friends or get a job or whatever other nonsense that grown ups are supposed to do.  _

_ Jesus, that got weird. I need to calm down a bit, get my bearings. Maybe I just need to sleep. It’s like, 1 am anyway. I got back from Victors house super late. We all decided to go home, because we thought Victor and his family should have some alone time. I snuck back into the house because I didn’t want to wake my parents. I’ll have to explain this whole mess to them in the morning. Mom will probably freak out. She’s weird like that. Whenever someone dies, she goes crazy baking and cooking and trying to be helpful.  _

_ Sleep. I need sleep. I’m going to sleep now.  _

_ Goodnight.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! In his journal entry, Caleb talks about how his problems with anxiety are made up. I want to clarify that this is not true. Anxiety is a real issue, and those feelings are valid no matter what the circumstances are. However, I believe in this situation Caleb would try to downplay his feelings, which is why he says they are made up. I hope those of you who actually suffer from anxiety won't take that in the wrong way, and know that your feelings matter. :)


	5. in which Caleb thinks, quite a lot, as always.

_ I am still processing. I had been waiting for yesterday night forever. I had been waiting for yesterday night with Jenna since about five minutes after I met her. Is that creepy? God, I hope not. I don’t want to be one of those guys that only thinks about sex and stuff. I love Jenna, I really do. I’m just also horny.  _

_ I feel bad for thinking that my special night was ruined by somebody's death. It’s a really shitty thing to say, so I’m going to stop saying it. I don’t know what to do about Matthew. I don’t think there’s anything I can do. What can you say to someone whose parents just died. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know. I don’t know anything, do I? I always thought of myself as a good friend, at the very least, but now is the time when he needs a friend and I don’t know how to be one. I don’t know what to do.  _

_ I’m spiraling. This is no good. Writing helps me usually, but I don’t think…. _

_ Nothing can help with this.  _

* * *

Caleb pushed his chair back, and then rolled onto the floor. It was not a graceful gesture, but it got the job done. He put his hands on his stomach, and breathed in, counting. One...Two...Three… he had to focus on something else. He hated this mood. He was being so overdramatic. He wished he could just go and be supportive or something, and not be lying on his floor freaking out. Why was he doing this? Why was he like this? Caleb sighed, and sat up. His breathing had calmed him down enough that he could go on with his day, and probably (hopefully) not start to panic again. He changed his clothes absentmindedly, and wandered down the stairs. 

“Caleb? I thought you were at Victor’s?” His mom called up. She met him at the bottom of the stairs, her eyebrows furrowed at him. “Did something happen?”

“Yeah, actually. Victor’s aunt and uncle were in a car crash. They, um… They died.”

“Oh my god.” She reached out to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, of course. It happened in Virginia. But his cousins came to live with him so I came home. It was pretty late so I just passed out.” He said, and he smiled sheepishly. His mom sighed, and pulled him into a hug. 

“Next time tragedy strikes, feel free to wake me, okay?”

“Okuf Mof” Caleb said into his mother's shoulder. His mom gave the best hugs. He wondered whether than was an all-moms thing, or a his-mom-specific thing. Perhaps it was a good-moms thing, because some people had moms that were not great. 

“I’m going to cook something for you to take over there.”

“That would be perfect, Mom, thanks.”

“Now go take a shower. You smell like sweat and cologne.”

“Yeesh.”

“Remember to wear something appropriate.”

“Yes mom.”

“And comb your hair.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Going somewhere?” said a voice. Caleb’s father appeared at the top of the stairs. 

“Victor's uncle and aunt died in a car crash and his cousins came to live with them last night so I came home but now I’m going back to bring them food and also to try and be a good friend.” It was a lot easier to explain the second time around.

“Oh shit.” Caleb’s father had no qualms about profanity. “Should we cook something and take it there?”

“Already on it babe.” Caleb’s mother met him at the bottom of the stairs and kissed him. 

“Gross.” Caleb said. Parents should not be allowed to show affection to each other legally. That right should be revoked when they had children. He sprinted up the stairs and took a good long shower, trying to erase any leftover cologne. He pulled on a pair of black jeans and a gray T-shirt, and tried to tame his hair. He looked a little insane. He checked for his watch, put on his favorite pair of socks, and sighed. He needed to be a good friend to Victor, and try to be there for Matthew, someone he didn’t really know but who could probably use a friend. He’d taken his meds, he’d written about the situation. Anxiety was going to suck it for today. He went downstairs. 

“Walk, don’t bike. I don’t want the sandwiches to fall apart.” His mom said. 

“You made sandwiches?” 

“Dad did. But they’re hearty, and they should last for a few days.” She passed him a bag full of tupperware.”

“Jesus, that was fast.”

“Gotta go fast,” his dad mumbled absent-mindedly. He kissed Rema on the cheek, and then Caleb on the forehead. 

“I’ve got to head out. Give Victor’s family my condolences, and if they need anything just let me know.”

“I will, dad. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Caleb slipped out the front door. The trip to Victors seemed a lot longer when he was carrying a giant bag full of food. Maybe he should have driven, but Jenna would be so disappointed. She had started this whole movement for biking and walking instead of driving places, and she had dragged everyone she knew into it. He was a good boyfriend, so he would drag this package to Victor’s on foot. After what seemed like an eon he arrived. Before he could reach the stoop the door swung open. 

“Caleb! Hey,” Victor rushed to help him with the bag. “What’s all this?”

“My mom made some stuff for you guys. Save y’all the trouble.”

“Oh, god yes.” Victor held the bag up to his face and took in a deep breath. “These smell amazing. Thanks.”

“No problem, dude.” 

“You coming inside?”

“Hell yeah. That’s what she said. ”

“Fuck you,”

“Victor! Language.” His father said. He appeared in the kitchen, vampire-style. The man moved in ways that Caleb did not understand. “Thank your parents for me, Caleb. Normally, I would not accept, but…” He sighed. 

“My parents send their condolences. If you need any help with anything, they will be glad to help.”

“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mine.”

“Something smells delicious.” Matthew entered the kitchen, still in his pajamas and his hair tousled in a way that shouldn’t have been attractive, but was. 

“My mother made sandwiches for you.”

“Your mother made sandwiches for  _ us. _ ” Victor said. “There are so many of these. We really do not need this much food. 

“Not right now, you don’t. You can save them for later.”

“Hey” Ricky entered the kitchen. He was holding a bag, disturbingly similar to the one Caleb had brought. 

“Tell me that’s not sandwiches.”

“Casserole.”

“Did you knock?” Matthew asked. 

“He stopped knocking around three years ago.” Victor’s father said. “And he keeps showing up though no one wants him here.”

“Rude, Dad.”

“Ah, he knows I’m only joking.” He clapped Ricky on the back, hard. “He is like another son. All of your friends, they are like your brothers.” He stopped for a moment, and took a deep breath. “I am going to go upstairs and take care of some things. You all make sure you eat.”

“We will, dad.” Victor waited until his father disappeared up the stairs, and then he turned to the group. 

“Basement?”

“Looks like I’m late to the party.” Ryan wandered into the room. “I brought food.”

“Dear god.” Victor said. “Is it protein powder and steroids?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t go buy naruto juice from the anime store.”

“Naruto juice? Is that the best you can come up with?”

“Sorry, I woke up late and I’m still tired.”

“Apparently not late enough, considering the fact that you’re here.” They wandered down the stairs together, Victor carrying a tupperware full of sandwiches. 

“Are they… okay?” Matthew asked. 

“They’re always like that. Don’t worry about it.”

“... Okay” The rest of the group walked downstairs. Megan, Matthew’s little sister, was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and her face buried in the nintendo switch. 

“Meg, we have sandwiches. Do you want to eat something?”

“I don’t like sandwiches.” She said, pouting. She didn’t take her eyes off the screen.

“We also have a casserole and a rotisserie chicken.” Ryan said. “I could get some for you?”

“No.” She said. She pulled the blanket over her head. 

“... you have to eat eventually.” Matthew said. He knelt down next to her. “Come on, Meg.”

“I will, eventually. I’m playing a game. Leave me alone.”

“Promise?”

“Fine.” She said. Matthew sighed. 

“Case Closed?” Victor said. 

“This may not be the right time.” Ricky said. He looked at Victor pointedly. 

“Oh shit.” He plopped down cross-legged on the floor. “Hey Matthew, pick a movie.”

“I’m okay with whatever.”

“I said pick a movie, dumbass. You’re supposed to pick a movie.”

“Central Intelligence.” He said. “Love that one.”

“Was that so hard? Damn.” Caleb flung himself onto the couch, leaving space for Matthew to sit next to his sister. Ricky sat next to Victor on the floor, and Ryan pulled over the old beanbag. 

“Someone get me a sandwich.”

“No.” Victor said, though Ricky was already reaching. Victor smacked his arm. “Don’t get it for him. Make him work.” Ricky ignored him, and started passing out sandwiches. 

“These are so fucking good can I have your mom please.” Ryan said, not stopping to swallow before he spoke.

“No, thank you.” Caleb said. “That’s gross as hell.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!”

“Yeah well, I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to be the pervert for once. Now, I will give that title back to you.”

“Thanks, dude. My whole identity is being weirdly sexual.” 

“You’re right. It is weird. Stop.” Victor swatted Ryan. “Now shut up. Let’s watch this fucking movie.” They sat in silence, but for the occasional reach for a sandwich. Slowly, Ryan slid further and further off of the beanbag chair until he lay on the ground next to Victor. Caleb though about joining his friends on the floor, but he didn’t want it to seem like he was ditching Matthew. Plus, soon enough Matthew would be part of the group. He would be living here from now on, after all. Because his parents had died in a tragic accident. 

Wow, this situation sucked. Here they all were watching The Rock mess around with Kevin Hart like nothing was wrong, when, in fact, so many things were wrong. Everything was wrong. Suddenly, Caleb couldn’t move. He tried to stop thinking, to just breathe and focus and watch the movie but his mind was reeling, spinning and he was thinking too fast, so fast he stopped making sense, he was just going. He sunk into the couch. Why was everything so loud? Why couldn’t he understand any of it, any of this. He was spiraling. He needed to ground himself. He needed to focus. 

Eyes. He was in Victor's basement, with his friends, watching a movie. It was funny. A good movie. He though he’d seen it before, years ago. He knew all the posters on the walls. He knew the bends and curves in the chairs, the nicks in the wall from when their play fighting got real. 

Ears. The movie was playing. Kevin Hart has an interesting voice. It went well with the style of comedy he did. Caleb though he always sounded a little surprised, like even he didn’t know what was coming next. 

Nose. He could smell the sandwiches his mother had made, and under that the familiar scent of the basement. It was old, not good or bad, just there, as it always had been. 

Tongue. Mouth? The taste organ, whatever. He still had the taste of the sandwich in his mouth. He should probably get some water or something. Good enough. 

Touch. This part was always the hardest. His hands felt prickly and foreign, like they belonged to someone else. But what were they feeling? The soft cloth of the couch, the way it curled around him, secure and warm. He could feel the carpet under his toes, the same carpet that had always been there. No matter how weird the world got, some things never changed. 

Caleb took a deep breath in, and then out. Grounded. Maureen would be happy to know he had used his breathing techniques. 

“You alright, bro?” Caleb turned to see Ryan looking up at him.

“Yeah, I’m good, man.” Ryan nodded. Caleb smiled to himself. He had such good friends. He loved his friends. 

“I love you guys.” He said. 

“Miss me with that gay shit” Ryan replied immediately. Victor scoffed. 

“Ryan, you  _ are  _ gay.” 

“Excuse you. Being romantically and sexually attracted to men does NOT make me gay.”

“That is the definition of a homosexual!”

“Oh, so first you call me gay, and now you’re calling me a homosexual?”

“You are so frustrating!” Caleb tuned out the argument. He had heard this one before. 

“Are you sure this is fine?” Matthew said to him. Caleb shrugged. 

“It’s always been fine before.”

“Yes, but… okay. Guys, let’s just watch the movie.” he put a hand on Victor’s shoulder. 

“Um… yeah. Of course.” They all turned back to the TV, except for Ricky who had never taken his eyes off the screen. He might have been the only sane one among them. 

Caleb was lost in his thoughts again, but this time it wasn’t a bad thing. His mind drifted to Kali. For whatever reason, he wanted to know what she would think about this whole mess. She would probably have something wise to say. She would have known how to comfort VIctor and Matthew. She was really good at knowing the right thing to say. When she spoke in class everyone got really quiet, though no one ever talked to her. She had a very cliquey friend group. Then again, so did everyone these days. People knew having a small group of close friends was objectively better than having a large group of casual friends. It was one of those things Gen Z had learned from all the teen rom coms the previous generations had made. Instinctually, Caleb stood up. 

“Bro?” Ryan said, and the group turned.

“I think I need to go check something out. I just realized… it’s a long story. But text if you guys need anything.” He said. Victor nodded at him, so he got up and left. He wandered down the hall and out the door, slipping his shoes on and turned onto the sidewalk. He just needed to move, to walk, to be in the sun. He couldn’t be anxious when it was so sunny outside. It was like the light blocked out all of his weird spirals and trains of thoughts. It made him feel so normal. He was normal, as long as he could be in the sunlight and be calm here, in this place where he didn’t have to think and by extension, he didn’t have to worry. It was easy to take his mind off of things, and there were so many things that he could take his mind off of. 

Aadi was in a window. He recognized Aadi from school and seeing with Kali and there he was, in a window, plain as day. Maybe he was being weird by staying. One step forward, or one back, and Aadi would be out of sight. But he stayed where he was, standing perfectly still, staring. It was so weird to see someone you know… or maybe you only really notice when you recognize a person. It was equal parts fate and weird coincidence. Then a boy appeared, next to Aadi in the window. It was only for a moment, but it happened. Aadi put a hand on the boy's chest. The boy wrapped an arm around Aadi’s waist, and kissed him, and then pulled him out of view. 

Caleb stood perfectly still for a moment longer. Then he started running. He didn’t have to think about the way home, because he knew the path so well. This whole town was familiar, but he didn’t know who that boy was, why was that? 

He was a track kid and still he was out of breath when he burst through the door. 

“Caleb! Are you okay?” Kali stood up, then grabbed a water bottle off the desk. Caleb pushed it away, choosing to take a deep breath and speak. 

“Aadi… I saw him… I”m so sorry.”

“You saw him with someone else?”

“...yeah… I mean, maybe I was…”

“No, you saw correctly.”

“What”

“Aadi’s Gay’

“What? But he’s your boyfriend…”

“Yeah, his parents are super homophobic so we just tell everyone that we’re dating.”

“Wait… but, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah it does. You just gotta think harder.”

“The condoms.”  
“They’re for friends.”

“You don’t use them?”

“No, I’m Ace.”

“What?”

“Asexual. Not interested in sex.”

“I know. I mean, I know what it means, it’s just…” Caleb sat down. “This is a lot of revelations.”

“I could imagine.” Kali sat cross-legged on the floor across from him. “Questions.”

“Is it okay for me to know all this?”  
“Oh, yeah. Aadi trusts my judgement.”

“Is…” he stopped. “Actually, it kinda does make sense.”

“I told you.” Kali said. She pulled a bag of pretzels out of nowhere. “Snack?”

* * *

_ So that was good? I guess? I just sat around with Kali for a while and told her about the Victor situation and she said that sometimes bad things happened and we couldn’t change the past but we can change the future which is super wise like I thought it would be and then I went home and called Jenna and told her everything except about Aadi because that’s not really my place. I would never out someone. I even get nervous to talk about Ryan being pan, though he’s out to everyone. It’s 2020, and some people are still assholes, and it sucks, and I wish he didn’t have to go through that. It really, really sucks that I can’t protect my friends from all the shitty stuff out there. But people are homophobic and accidents happen and I can’t control any of it.  _

_ But I can’t spiral tonight. The boys and I are getting in league later. So I guess that’s all for the night.  _


	6. in which the gang makes a list

_ The gang, our gang, has been really just us for ages. The four of us, Me, Ryan, Victor, and Ricky. Jenna sort of joined when she and I started dating, but sometimes she hangs with her girlfriends. I never go anywhere with them, because they are shitty people and I don’t know why Jenna still talks to them. They’re just about the worst people. After that business with her ex-boyfriend, they all stopped treating her like a friend. They suck and I hate them. But I hate anyone who’s mean to Jenna, or to any of my friends. Loyalty is easy when it comes to people you love.  _

Jenna and the boys are all sitting at their usual lunch table. Matthew wasn’t present, as he was doing something or other to get accustomed to a new school. Caleb didn’t blame him for avoiding the crowds. He’d done it himself on more than one occasion

“Hey! Kali, Aadi” Jenna waved to the two of them, who were heading towards the door. Aadi turned to Kali, who nodded and smiled. They start walking towards the ground. Ryan immediately starts a conversation with Aadi, as he just knew everybody apparently. Maybe Aadi did sports? But Caleb did sports too. Stereotypically speaking, he was a jock. Stereotypically. Jenna jumps up and gives Kali a hug. 

* * *

“I like your sweater.” Kali says. “Very fashion”

“Thanks! I got it from Viva, at the mall?”  
“I know.”

“What?”

“Oh, I work there. At Viva. I’ve seen the sweater a bunch of times.”

“Awesome! I’ve heard that working retail sucks, but everyone at Viva is so…”

“Weird?”

“I was going to say lively.”

“I mean, they are weird. Just in the best way.” 

“Exactly!” 

“It’s a really fun place to work.”

“I could imagine. What are you doing for lunch?”

“Aadi and I were going to have sex…”

“WE WERE NOT!” He shoved her, playfully. 

“Why do you ask?” Kali shoved him back. 

“Well if you wanted to you can join us. If you want.”

“We want.” Aadi pushed Kali onto the bench and sat down next to her.

“We do?”

“If we leave now, they’ll think we’re having sex, which I absolutely would not do in school.”

“Ryan would.” Caleb said. 

“Ryan had.” Ryan added.

“You have?” Aadi said, astonished.

“Impressive.” Kali said. 

“I know you all are going to continue this line of conversation but I want to establish that I hate it.”

“Where did you do it?”

“Science classroom.”

“... Koda?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you get away with that? He sucks!”

“It was his student aide and I. They had a key.”

“WAIT.” Kali said, in a stage whisper. “You fucked Caleb McCallister?” Ryan nodded, proudly. 

“Before he was out, actually. I had to prove a point.”

“ The point being…”

“Being able to say I fucked Caleb.” Ryan turned and winked. Jenna laughed, and reached for Caleb’s hand.

“Babe, are you cheating on me with Ryan?”

“Yes,” Ryan said, before Caleb had the change to process. 

“No..” Caleb tried to protest, but Ryan had already reached out to caress his cheek. He tried to suppress a laugh and failed, miserably. Ricky laughed, even, which he rarely did in the presence of strangers. Did he know Aadi, too? Weird. Caleb would have to remember to ask him about that, later. 

They all talked, but Caleb faded out of the conversation. This wasn’t because of his anxiety. It was more like a sense of safety that he got around his friends. He didn’t need to really talk to be a part of the group. He was always good here. 

Kali and Aadi were a strange addition to their little group. But it had been a little weird when Jenna started sitting with the boys, too. Did this mean that Kali and Aadi were going to sit here permanently? Probably not. They had their own whole friend group… 

Caleb had never seen Aadi with any guys at school, not outside of classes. Who was the boyfriend? Either they never talked in school, or… was he older? The school wasn’t too big, not enough so that a whole person could completely escape his notice. 

Where does one go to get a boyfriend as a gay high school in the smallest town this side of the missisippi? 

It wasn’t any of his business, anyway. Caleb barely knew Aadi. He had no reason to know. 

But the curiosity was KILLING him. Did Aadi know that he knew? Would Kali have told him already? Caleb wouldn’t want to cause a disconnect in their relationship. Though, did they have a relationship? Friendship is a type of relationship. Did things like that matter in a friendship? Him and the guys never really fought, at least not that he could remember. Would it be different for a male-female friendship?

Wow. Caleb had never had a female friend before. He’d been nice to girls, because he tried to be nice to everybody, and he’d hang out with girls at parties and stuff. He’d been friends with Jenna, but he’d liked her since the beginning, so it didn’t really count. This kinda sucked, though. He didn’t want to be  _ that _ guy. Or was he already that guy? 

“You okay babe?” Jenna nudged him and smiled. Kali giggled at that. 

“Hip checking as a form of affection, yes or no?” She turned to Aadi, who signed. 

“Sure” As soon as he said that Kali body slammed him. He hit the ground laughing. 

“I’m good.” Caleb said. “I don’t know if he is, though.” He nodded towards Aadi. 

“I’m fine,” he said. Kali reached out to pull him up, but instead he yanked her down with him. Watching this was suddenly different, knowing what he knew now. 

Weird. 

He put an arm around Jenna and turned to Ryan. “Do we have track today?”

“Yeah, until fourish.”

“Do you wanna get taco’s after?”

“Fuckin of course, dude. I always fuckin want tacos.”

“Fuckin’ A man.”

“Why are you guys talking like that?” Kali asked. 

“Oh, they do that sometimes.” Jenna replied. “They’re actually very predictable once you get to know them. Ryan and Caleb always do weird accents or fake-flirt, Ryan and Victor argue about nothing all the time, and Victor and Caleb start out talking about their days and devolve into anime theories.”

“Intriguing. What about you, Ricky?”

“I listen.” Ricky said. Kali nodded. 

“Wise of you.”

“Thanks.”

“Senior year.” Victor said. “This is  _ the  _ year. If we were in an anime, then all this crazy stuff would happen this year. ”

“So, what, you think we’re all going to start singing and carrying around oversized swords?”

“You’ve watched anime, you know it’s not like that.”

“I’ve seen enough anime to know it doesn’t make any goddamn sense.”

“Whatever, Ryan. What crazy things do you think are going to happen?”

“Nothing, nerd. This is real life.” Ryan tousled Victors hair. Jenna nodded. 

“Yeah, he’s right. We’re not anime protagonists. Nothing cool is going to happen to us.”

“Not unless you make it happen.” Kali added absent-mindedly. Victor looked at her and grinned. 

“That’s brilliant!”  
“Hmm?” Kali said, her mouth full of crackers. 

“We need to make cool stuff happen! That’s how we have our anime senior year! We need to create cool shit.”

“That’s not a terrible idea,” Ryan said. 

“RYAN AGREED, WE HAVE TO” Victor pulled out his sketchbook and flipped to the next fresh page. He wrote ‘cool shit’ on top. “What’s a cool thing we can do this year?”

“Have a picnic.” Jenna said immediately. Victor nodded and wrote it down. 

“Go on a trip?” Ryan said. 

“Skip day.” Caleb said. 

“Go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and stay until they kick you out.”

“Walk the town line”

“Watch every Case Closed movie.” The others continued to throw out suggestions, and Caleb faded into his daydream. Then Ricky nudged him, and nodded. Caleb turned to see that Aadi was still sitting there, throwing out suggestions, but Kali was gone. 

“Where’d Kali go?” Caleb asked. 

“Oh, she does that.” Aadi shrugged. “What about the drive in?”

“That sounds cool.” Ryan agreed. Victor smiled and sat back. 

“A page full of cool shit for our senior year. How exciting.”

* * *

_ I think I’m getting obsessed, and it’s not good for me. But it’s not my fault that Kali Rai is such an enigma. Really, all I am is curious.  _


	7. in which we learn why this story is called vaudeville

_ The lights are on in the treehouse. I just got back from Victor’s place, and I was going to talk about that, but the lights are on in the treehouse. I’m going to write some, but then I’m going to go over there. I need to see what’s going on. In there. I haven’t talked to Kali about Durga since…. It’s been too long, and I know something’s up, and I need to find out what that is, soon.  _

_ The thing I wanted to write about, though, was Matthew. He seems to be adjusting really well to living here. The whole gang was at Victor’s, as always, and Ryan and Ricky were playing FIFA and Victor was annoyed because he wanted to watch some anime and so he kept throwing things at Ryan and Jenna and Matthew kept making bets on whether or not Victor would actually hit. It was really fun to watch.  _

_ I’m going now.  _

* * *

Caleb snuck out. These days, he did a lot of sneaking out and sneaking in. Well, not a lot, but certainly more than he used to. Life changes crazy fast. He hadn’t snuck out in years, and then all of a sudden….

The lights in the treehouse were on. He told himself that it was a matter of priority as he climbed up the ladder. 

“Kali?” He said. He slid the door open. She was inside, standing in front of a mirror, wearing a black and white outfit and shiny tap shoes. She was twisting a black fedora on her head and giggling. She turned. 

“Hey! Caleb! How are you?”

“I’m good, but… what are you doing?”

“Performing. But come on in, did you need something?”

“I just wanted to know what you found out. You know, about Durga.”

“Oh,” She put her hat down, and walked over to her mystery board. “Well, it’s all up here.”

“Um… that doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, all the stuff is there, but I don’t get it.”

“Oh, yeah, some of it is written just for me. So, Durga, before she left, was on PTSD medication. Well, it’s either PTSD or anxiety, but it’s different from my anxiety medication and usually families are put on the same meds because if it works for one of you it’ll probably work for the others so I’m just going to guess that it was for PTSD. She started taking them about seven years ago. It makes sense, because that’s just after things changed around here. It’s basically what I thought. At some point, something happened to her, and whatever it was seriously traumatised her. 

“...oh”

“Yeah, I don’t know how to feel about it either. I mean…”  
“Yeah.”

“She saw a psychiatrist for a little while, and then she stopped. I think they decided to keep her on meds and not continue therapy.”

“That’s shitty.”

“Yeah! I don’t know who allowed it. My parents encouraged me to stay in therapy. But…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to blame my parents unjustly. But I also don’t want to rule them out because of familiarity.”

“Hmmm…”

“I trust my parents, but Durga didn’t and I don’t know why.”

“The fact that she was distrustful doesn’t mean you have to be.”

“No, but she wasn’t an unreasonable person. I mean, she used to love our parents, and then one day everything changed. I have a sort of timeline in my head, but there are still so many blank spots. But I have an idea.”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve figured out every event that occurred within three months of that change. I vaguely remember going to a party, and then afterwards Durga and my parents got real quiet, and there was a lot of crying. So that narrows down the list. I’m going to find people who were there and talk to them.”  
“Do you think people will remember after all this time?”

“If something happened that traumatised my sister for years after the fact, they had better remember it.”

“That makes sense.”

“Yeah.” Kali turned to the board and stared for a long, quiet moment. Then she turned back to him. “You got any plans for the night?”

“It’s like, 11. My plans are to sleep.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Did you have something in mind?”

“Oh. I was going to practice my show.”

“Your what?”

“My show. My vaudeville show.”

“Vaudeville? Like those old tapes?”  
“Yup! The ones we used to watch at your house, on the VCR.”

“By the way, did you take my VCR?”

“Do you want it back?”  
“...no?”

“Then yes.”

“Cool.”

“I love those old shows. They’re so much more entertaining than any of the modern stuff.”

“I… don’t think so.”  
“Well, that is your opinion. And it is wrong.”

“Opinions can’t be wrong.”

“You’re wrong about that, too.” She grinned, and she put her fedora back on. She tilted her head towards a cassette player near him. “Hit the play button, would you?”

“Alright.” He pushed the button. Kali spun around once, her arms outstretched, and she waited for the music to begin. When it finally did, she began to dance. 

She was a lot better at it now than she had been all those years ago. When they were young, she would dance along with the tapes as they played. Now she was doing her own thing, though some of the moves looked familiar. She held her hands steady in front of her, and she twisted her feet around, letting her slide across the treehouse floor. She bounced her head, nodding slightly as she danced, which made her hair twist around her and fall in her face. It was a far cry from the dances Caleb saw people do at school. But it wasn’t bad, not at all. It felt normal on her, like it was what she was born to do. 

Kali was one of the weird kids, because she hung out with that group. She was intimidating, because she acted like she didn’t care what people thought of her and that is a powerful mindset to have. But in Caleb’s opinion, she wasn’t weird. She was just Kali. Maybe because he had known her so long, he was accustomed to her way of being. But also, even after all these years, he barely knew her at all. Maybe she was the normal person, and everyone who didn’t like her, they were the weird ones. No one sane would dislike Kali. She was so… alive. Like no one else he knew. At least no one else he was looking at right now. She was unlike anyone or anything. It was truly, truly incredible. She was incredible. 

Kali seemed to disappear into the song, the way Caleb disappeared into his thoughts. They both had anxiety. Maybe this was some sort of symptom, fading into the background, being not really in a room but not really out of it either. It happened often enough. Sometimes in class when the teacher was talking and he would start thinking about the class material and then slowly he would start thinking about what that particular moment meant in reference to his life as a whole. He would get really caught up thinking about how strange life could be. Like right now, he was sitting in the new treehouse of his oldest friend, in the middle of the night, watching her dance to the oldest song he had ever heard. It was strange and surreal, but somehow he felt very alive in this moment. Maybe it was the vibes of the night. There was a very special energy to being awake at this most unusual hour. Or maybe it would simply be the fact that he was like, really alive, and out of his house in the middle of the night which only served to highlight the fact that he was alive. 

“Are you alright?” Kali asked. 

“Hmm? Oh yeah, I’m just fine.”

“Alright. Just checking.” She did a final spin as the music dwindled away. “You should go home, Caleb.”

“Are you going home.”

“No. But you should.”

“Why aren’t you going to sleep.”

“I don’t usually sleep. Why would I start today?”

“That can’t be healthy.”

“No. no it is not.”

“So will you sleep?”

* * *

_ She didn’t go to sleep. I don’t know why. I’m going to sleep, though. I’m tired as all hell. I didn’t feel tired when I was outside, but as soon as I was in my room my eyelids got really heavy. Weird how that happens, isn’t it?  _

_Anyway, sleep now._ _‘_


	8. In which we talk about d***s some more

“The Mall!” Matthew said. He raised his hands, gesturing widely towards the building. “The epitome of an urban paradise.”

“We live one step up from a hick town” Victor said. “No urban paradise here.”

“Be more optimistic.” Matthew replied. “Places like this are little slips of the city, no matter where they are.”

“Whatever” Victor slipped one earbud in. “Can we go to GameStop”

“Can you stop being a stereotype?” Ryan said. 

“I could, but why would I want to?” Victor ducked to avoid Ryans hand. Caleb smiled. The whole gang had decided to go to the mall. It was friday, so they didn’t have to worry about school at all. Caleb was hanging out with six people, and it wasn’t weird. There was a first for everything, apparently. Caleb was not a party person, or even a big-group person, but he still was here, and he wasn’t even anxious. Of course, he was rarely if ever anxious around the guys or Jenna. But Matthew felt like someone he was supposed to be anxious around. He was attractive, and he’d become pretty popular very quickly. He was cool, and smart, and interesting, and super nice, and usually Caleb felt really anxious around those kinds of people. But something about Matthew made Caleb feel instantly comfortable.

“Where do you guys wanna go first?” Jenna asked. 

“GameStop” Victor repeated.

“We’re not going to the fucking nerd palace, V”

“Well, they don’t actually have a fuckboys-r-us here, so it’s not like you’re anywhere to go.”

“At least I can get laid.”  
“Fuck you.” Victor turned to Jenna. “Please please please can we go to GameStop?”

“Let Matthew decide. He’s new.” Jenna turned to him. “Anything you want to see?”

“Umm… Macy’s?”

“There isn’t a Macy’s”

“There isn’t a MACY’S?? That’s like, default mall store.”

“This is a small town.” Jenna shrugged. 

“Like I said, no urban paradise.” Victor said. 

“Do you have a Spencers?”

“Why do you want to go to Spencers?”

“Where else can one get a dildo?” Matthew said. Ryan laughed out loud.

“Absolutely! Everybody, we have to go buy a DILDO for MATTHEW right the FUCK now.” Ryan marched off, dragging Victor behind him. The group started walking. 

“Matt, if you don’t mind me asking, why do you want a dildo?” Jenna asked. Matthew laughed. 

“A lot of guys at my old school had a serious toxic masculinity issue. Me and some of my friends wanted to try and change that. We started doing this thing where we do stereotypically feminine or ‘gay’ things, but not ironically. There were five or six of us who joined the ballet class and wore skirts and makeup and held hands platonically. It was really fun! Anyway, somebody taped a dildo to my locker addressed to ‘f-slur’. I decided to embrace it, so I carried it around all day and told everyone I was collecting, and I have been ever since.”

“That’s really cool of you!” Jenna said. 

“I try.” He shrugged. “I always try to be a better person than I was yesterday.” Caleb was in awe. What Matthew had just described was a course of action he wished he could have taken. Every time he heard someone make some comment about homosexuality he wanted to say something, to do something, but he always chickened out. Matthew was the kind of guy Caleb dreamed of being. Matthew and Jenna were talking now, discussing the ins and outs of toxic masculinity, and Caleb noticed that Ricky was looking down at his feet. 

“Ricky?”

“Hm…?”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Ricky replied. They walked in silence for a moment. “Matthew is a cool guy.” Caleb could understand why Ricky would admire someone like Matthew. After that story, he was basically a legend. 

“He really is. Lets catch up?” The two of the half-jogged to get in line with Matthew and Jenna. 

“Spencer’s Ahoy!” Matthew said, and Jenna laughed. 

“Ahoy?”

“Like Chips! But Spencer’s!”

“Weirdo.” Jenna said, but she laughed. Caleb loved how kind Jenna was. He knew she was going out of her way to be nice to Matthew, and it seemed like it was really helping him. On the day they all met Matthew, he had been really closed off and upset, and that was valid because his parents had both died in a tragic accident. But he had totally changed now. He seemed happy. 

Caleb drifted back to reality as they walked into Spencer’s. The cashier gave them a raised eyebrow, but didn’t say anything as Ryan grabbed two plastic penises off of the wall, tucked them under his armpits, and turned to the rest of them proudly. 

“Dick tiddies.”

“Real Sexy!” Matthew said. He pulled one of them out and looked at the price tag. 

“Excuse you?” Ryan said. 

“Shut up, you already have tiddies.”  
“Oh, do you think so?” He looked down at his chest. “I’ve actually been feeling really flat lately.”

“Oh please, Ryan, you have bigger tiddies than I do.” Jenna said. 

“Lots of people have bigger tiddies than you.”

“Hey, lay off my girlfriend!” Caleb said. He reached his arms around Jenna’s waist. She grinned, and laid one of her hands on top of his. 

Matthew started comparing shopping dildos, with Ryan’s help. Ryan had a certain expertise when it came to dicks. Plus, he and Victor had stopped arguing for long enough to actually start getting along, joking around with one another. Caleb felt so at peace. 

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her. Kali Rai. She was wearing a blue shirt and khakis and talking to someone about a laptop. Did she work at Tech Temple? SHe was wearing the same clothes as the other employees, of course she did. But didn’t she say she worked at a clothing store? Yeah, because she worked wherever Jenna got that shirt. 

“Hey Jenna?”

“Mhmm?” She turned to him. Her face was centimeters away from his, and he took a moment to just breathe her in. Then he spoke. 

“What’s the name of the store Kali works at?”

“Oh! Uhhh…. Viva, I think? Why do you ask?”

“Because I think she works at Tech Temple.” Caleb said. Jenna turned to look where he was looking. 

“Oh, crazy! Does she have two jobs?”

“I guess.”

“That girl is really on her grind.” She shook her head and smiled. “Should we go say hi?”

“Nah, I don’t know if its okay to bother her at work.”

“Oh, you’re right. Some other time.” She turned back to the group. Matthew had picked out a sparkly pink plastic penis. He went to the register to buy it, and everyone else stood around and listened to Victor and Ryan argue after whether the skimpy costumes Spencers sold were sexist or feminist. 

“The idea here is giving women the freedom to choose. They shouldn’t be forced or expected to cover up!” Ryan said. 

“Yeah, but wearing skimpy stuff is the only option here. They’re still not being given a choice.”

“They still have the option to not buy this stuff if they don’t want to.”

“But they don’t have the option to buy a non-slutty costume.”

“They do, they just don’t have the choice to buy it in the LITERAL smut shop.”

“It’s called Spencer’s GIFTS!”

“The name means nothing.”

“He’s right.” The cashier said. “The name means nothing. Can you guy’s leave now?”

They left. It would have been rude not to, after expressly being told to. They went to the food court, and claimed a table for themselves. Ryan bought four large fries from McDonalds ‘for everyone’ and proceeded to eat two of them himself. Victor immediately railed on him for it. Ricky ate the third large fries, and everyone else shared the last one. They all talked, laughed, joked around, and one again, Caleb faded into the background.

* * *

_ Today was really fun. We sat around the food court at the mall for like, four hours, in this big group but it wasn’t weird at all, everyone was having fun and messing around and it felt good! Ryan and Victor did leave to go to GameStop for a bit, but other than that we were all together for the whole time. It’s weird that Ryan went with Victor. Any of us could have gone with him. I guess Ryan isn’t as anti-weeb as he claims to be. I know he loves gaming as much as the rest of us do. I think it’s mostly an act he puts on to piss Victor off..  _

_ Ricky and I played rock-paper-scissors for half an hour, and I only won twice. I don’t know how someone can be good at that game. It’s supposed to be random, ya know? But Ricky has always been really really good at games that are supposed to be chance. He’s really lucky that way. I think it’s good luck he gets because of the bad luck he got when he was born.  _

_ Let me explain that one.  _

_ Ricky is trans. It’s not a big deal, not anymore, because his parents are really supportive. He’s on hormone therapy and he has been since it was safe for him to start it, and because he’s always been super athletic, he passes as a dude REALLY well. Seriously, we’ve been able to keep it hidden from people at school forever. It’s not hard, because he’s a dude, ya know? As long as I’ve known him, he’s identified as male. And he gives off dude energy, ya know?  _

_ I think it must really suck though, being a dude but not having the same body as the rest of the dudes. That’s why I think Ricky is lucky. It’s the universe paying him back for it’s screw up.  _

_ I think Ricky and I have always had a certain understanding, because we’re the more quiet ones, though he talks way less than I do. He and I always have each other’s back, but we don’t have to say it, ya know? Bro code and all that.  _

_ It’s like, eleven o clock right now. I think I’m going to go to sleep, actually. When I got home, there was a note on my desk from Kali. She wants me to meet her at 8am tomorrow. That’s way too early, but she didn’t really give me a choice in the matter. So I’ll be there. Plus, I really want to know what’s going on. So, ya know _

_ Goodnight :). _


	9. in which Kali and Caleb talk to a stranger

_ I cannot believe I woke up at 7am on a weekend voluntarily. I am  _ so  _ tired. I don’t know why I’m doing this. Though, I guess I do know why. It’s because I am desperate to know what happened to Durga. The more of the story I find out, the more I want to find out. So i’m awake. At 7. On a saturday.  _

_ I’m going to eat breakfast, and then I’m heading over to Kali’s.  _

* * *

Kali did not seem tired at all. She was bouncing, almost, pulling things into her bag and running her hands through her hair. 

“Are you okay?” Caleb asked. 

“Hmm…. Oh. No. We’ve got important business today.”

“Where are we going?”  
“The Jewish Community Center.”

“Oh, I love that place!” Caleb said. “I haven’t been in like, six years. Why do we have to go there?”

“A lot of the events in the indian community are held there. It’s easier than building our own community center.”

“Oh. That makes sense.”

“A lot of the parties were there back in the day. And my sister would talk about it a lot. I think there’s gotta be something there that can help us out.”

“Sounds like a plan! Why did you want me to come along.”

“It’s the JEWISH community center. You’re Jewish.”  
“.... I feel like I should be offended.”

“I also like having you around.”

“How nice.” Caleb said. Kali threw a granola bar at him.  
“Let’s get going. Do you have your bike?”

“Yeah, let’s go!” The two of them left the treehouse, and got on their bikes. The ride to the JCC was not long, about fifteen minutes. Kali didn’t talk on the way there. Caleb thought she must have been lost in thought, because she had the same blank expression on her face that he had when he was thinking about something. She had a lot she could be thinking about, after all. 

Caleb was almost worried about her. It was weird to be worried about Kali, because she was this very cool and strong person who didn’t need help from anyone. She was a badass. But he was still worried, just a little bit. He didn’t know what this whole mystery would bring about. For him, it was distant, kind of like a storybook. But for Kali it was real, very real, it was personal. This was her sister’s story. In a way, it was her story too. Durga was the one who left, but it affected their whole family, Kali especially. Caleb couldn’t imagine having his family ripped apart like that. Granted, Caleb didn’t have any siblings. 

But still, it totally would suck, a lot. And what would happen if Durga wasn’t okay> There were so many bad outcomes to this. Caleb didn’t like it. 

They rolled up to the JCC, and chained their bikes to the rack. 

“Where do we go now?” Caleb asked. 

“The front door.” 

“So we’re going the legal way this time?”

“We will always do things the legal way, unless I don’t feel like it.”

“...okay.”

“Let’s just go, Caleb.” Kali said. The two of them walked into the building. Kali marched up to the front desk. “How long have you worked here.”

“Uhhh… about a year? Can I help you?”

“Is there anyone who worked here around seven or eight years ago?”

“Hm… not that I know of. But once again, why do you want to know?”  
“I’m looking for information on something that happened back then.”

“Hm… well, there isn’t anyone I know, but I supposed you could ask around.”

“Alright. Thank you.” Kali grabbed Caleb’s hand and started walking around. 

“So what’s your plan here, just ask everyone you see if they worked here eight years ago?”

“I mean, yeah? What else am I supposed to do.” 

“Maybe they have some kind of employee record?”

“Oh! I know.” Kali started running. 

“Where are you going?”  
“Outside!”

“Why?”

“An Employee Record!”

“Outside?”  
“Just come on!” She dashed out the door. Caleb followed her into the sunlight. Just outside the door, Kali turned left, and then around the corner. Caleb had to jog to keep up with her. But where he saw where she was going he understood. Next to the building was a commemorative garden of some sort. The plaque on the wall read ‘to our treasured employees’.

“Everyone who worked here for more than ten years gets a stone.” Kali said. She pointed to the ground, which was decorated with engraved rocks. Then she reached into her backpack and pulled out a notebook. “I can get the names of everyone who worked here that year.”

“And then… google them?

“Yeah, I guess.”

“That seems really creepy.”

“I don’t really care.”

“... Okay then.” Caleb watched as Kali sat down on a bench nearby, and pulled out her laptop. He sat down next to her, looking over her shoulder cautiously. She was searching on yellowpages.com. It was not very interesting. Caleb closed his eyes for a moment. He was still tired. It was only around 8:45, after all. Plus, he was experiencing a truly incredible form of nostalgia. When he was a kid, his dad would bring him here. His dad thought it was important that he knew about his Jewish heritage, though his family wasn’t active at their synagogue. But Caleb didn’t really know that side of his family. He looked like the average latino guy. He didn’t really think of himself as Jewish. 

Maybe he should, though. He wasn’t ashamed of being mixed, or anything like that. It was almost like he just forgot about it. But in retrospect, that seemed wrong.

“Hey, I found one!” Kali said. “Jacob Brann. He retired last year, but he worked there since the early 2000s. He might know something.”

“Cool! So do you have his phone number or something?”

“No, his address.” Kali turned her laptop, so he could see. “He lives about 10 minutes fromt here.”

“We’re going to his HOUSE?”

“Yea.”

“We can’t just show up at his house out of the blue?! What if he shoots us?”

“Why would he have a gun, he’s like 80. Plus, he seems nice.”

“You know NOTHING about him.”

“Yeah but old guys are always nice, except for the mean ones.”

“You’re crazy.” Caleb said, shaking his head. Kali turned to look at him, and the light in her eyes made him want to go on an adventure, just like it did when they were kids. 

“Yep. Let’s go.” She slung her backpack over her shoulder and walked away. The ride to the old mans house did not take long, but Caleb couldn’t believe it was really happening. Was he really going to walk up to some old guys house and start interrogating him? This was something that Conan would do in Case Closed. This was not something that Caleb would do in his real life. But here he was, doing it. 

Weird.

Kali turned into a driveway and parked her bike. She seemed to unmount and pull out her kickstand in one fluid motion. Caleb was not nearly as graceful, almost tripping over his own feet. By the time he got up to the porch Kali had already rung the doorbell. They stood, waiting, apprehensive. The door swung open. 

“Hello there! Can I help you?”

“Hi! Did you work at the JCC seven years ago?”

“I do believe so. Why do you ask?”  
“I want to know if you remember something that happened back then.”

“Why?”

“It might be the reason my big sister is gone.” When Kali said that, the old man closed his eyes for a moment. 

“Why don’t you come in. I’ll get you some biscuits.” Without waiting for a response he turned around and headed inside. Kali and Caleb followed him. 

“Should we be doing this?” Caleb whispered.

“I told you he’d be nice.” Kali whispered back. They sat down on an old green couch, facing one of those giant box televisions. After a moment, the old man returned to the room carrying a plate of shortbread cookies. 

“So, what exactly is it that you kids are looking for?”

“Were there any incidents back around eight years ago involving any of the indian community festivals that were held?”

“Um…. nothing too big, at least not that I can remember.”

“Anything having to do with a girl named Durga? She would have been around fourteen?”

“Oh! I know her!”

“You know her?” Kali and Caleb said in unison. 

“Well, I knew her. She used to come to the JCC all the time.”

“Do you know why?” Kali asked. 

“She always said she was investigating, just like you are. I suppose you are family.”   
“What was she investigating?”  
“I’m not sure, but she was always trying to get our security footage from the parties. I remember that it was weird because she wanted the ones from the hallways, not from the actual event center.”

“What was on the tapes?” Kali said. The old man shook his head. 

“We never looked. There were policies so only certain people could access those tapes without a warrant.”  
“Oh.” Kali looked at the ground.

“Is there anything else you can remember?” Caleb asked, surprising himself. He hadn’t intended to speak.

“I’m afraid not. But if you don’t mind my asking, what happened? She seemed alright when I knew her. A little defiant, but that’s the age.”

“She ran away three years ago.” Kali said. “I’m trying to find out why.”

“Well, I certainly hope you do.” He said. Kali stood up and grabbed a biscuit.

“We really should be going now, but thank you so much for your help.”

“Of course! Anything for young questers.” He grinned at them. Caleb nodded and smiled. They walked out the door. 

“Well, that was… enlightening.” said Caleb. 

“But it wasn’t.” Kali kicked a rock, which Caleb felt was a little rude because it wasn’t her house. “She was taking something, she was doing something, she was investigating something! I’m not getting any answers!!”

“Hey” Caleb put a hand on her shoulder. “We’re going to figure this out, okay? Don’t worry.”

“You sound really sure.”

“I am really sure. You’re Kali Rai. You can do anything.” When he said that, she laughed. 

“I feel very loved.”

“You are. You know that.”

“I do, but it’s nice to be reminded.” She smiled. 

“Now what?”

“Now, we go home.”

* * *

_ I don’t know if I’m really Jewish. I was when I was a kid, or I felt like I was. It’s not like I can just stop being Jewish. But I think I did? I don’t like that I did. I’m mixed and I’m proud to be mixed. I’m proud of who I am, or I thought I was but apparently I’ve been neglecting half of myself.  _

_ I think I should talk to Maureen about this. I would ask Jenna what she thought about it, but I know she’s been busy lately and I don’t want to bother her.  _

_ Anyway, I have a lot to think about.  _


	10. in which Ryan is briefly horny(unsurprising) and a new plan is formed

_ Things are so weird right now. It makes me feel really good about myself, in a strange way. I’m not happy about bad stuff happening, or about finding out about bad stuff that happened in the past. I just haven’t panicked yet. My therapy is working, I think. I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack. Things are happening and I’m able to be there and support my friends and help, instead of being the person needing support. It’s a first for me. I’m proud.  _

* * *

Caleb leaned against the window, looking out at Kali Rai’s tree house. She wasn’t in there, not at this hour… at least, she shouldn’t be? Was she the kind of person who woke up early? That didn’t make sense, considering how late she would stay up. But maybe he was wrong. Either way, he had stuff to do. He had to go to school. He couldn’t stay here, staring at the tree house. Yet, he wanted to. He loved looking at that place. It felt like home, somehow. It felt like safety and adventure at the same time. There was so much going on, and he wanted to stay here. 

Still, he knew he couldn’t. He gathered the nerve and moved away from the window. The journey from there to school was a blur, the memories mixing in with every other day he had followed the exact same path. He and Jenna talked about nothing in particular, or maybe they talked about a lot of things. He didn’t remember. Jenna shook him back to reality as they walked in the school doors. 

“Caleb, Caleb! Look!” She pointed. At the end of the hallway was Matthew, looking lost. “We should go say hi!”

“Heck yeah!” Caleb said. He grabbed Jenna’s hand and dragged her, determined not to fall into a stupor again. Matthew was here, and Matthew needed their help. They were good friends, and good people, and they were going to help him. As they approached Matthew waved at them. 

“Hey, Jenna! Caleb! How are you guys today?” 

“We’re good!” Jenna answered, in her most bubbly voice. She was so kind to everyone, but you could tell she was making an effort for Matthew. Empathy was her speciality.

“Got any plans after school?’ he asked. Jenna looked at Caleb, with an eyebrow raised. 

“I don’t remember, so probably not.” Caleb said. Jenna grinned. 

“No, then. Is there anything you want to do?”

“I was just hoping you guys could come to Victor's place, if he’s okay with it. We could watch a movie or something” He shrugged. “Or whatever”

“Sure we will!” Jenna said. Caleb thought it was a bit strange to be asked. He usually just showed up at Victor’s place when he felt like going. 

“It’s your place too, Matthew” Caleb said. “You don’t need Victor’s permission to have some friends over.”

“How come you get to say?” Jenna said. “You’re not Victor”

“No, But I know him. He wouldn’t want to be bothered with it, probably. We’re all over at his place usually anyway. You don’t need to ask.” Caleb smiled at him, feeling awkward. If he was gay, he would have a crush on Matthew. This was something he thought about all of his friends, actually. They were all so attractive, in different ways. Victor was pale and elegant, and he moved like a dancer. Ricky was muscular, buffer than anyone else in the group. Looking at him made you want to curl up into a small ball in his arms, and stay there. He looked like a kind bodybuilder. Ryan was the conventionally attractive one, the one who everyone hit on when they went out. And Caleb was just Caleb. The average joe. Sometimes he wondered why Jenna chose him, when she could have had anyone in their group. 

“What’s on your mind, babe?” Jenna was there, pulling at the sleeve of his T-shirt. 

“I was thinking about how hot all the guys are” 

“Huh. Relatable” She grinned. “You’re the hottest one.” 

“I mean, Matthews is the hottest now, obviously.” Caleb gestured at him. “Look at this man. He looks like like the top in yaoi”

“It is so weird for you to make that connection, but you’re absolutely right.” She laughed. “Speaking of which, did you watch that one show I sent you?”

“Can we go back to the part where I’m on top during gay sex?” Matthew interrupted. “Because I am DEFINITELY a bottom.”

“Hey, so is Caleb!” Jenna said. She poked Caleb in the side. He couldn’t think of a witty remark, so he just grinned. “Now let’s get to class already.”

The day went by relatively fast. The only notable incident is when Ryan sat in Matthews lap for the entirety of lunch, which only one passerby found even remotely alarming. Ryan said it was just to assert to the rest of the school that he was still pan, but Caleb thought he just wanted to be close to Matthew. Ryan, publicly a top, was ecstatic when he heard what Matthew said about subbing. 

The group met at the end of the day just outside the front entrance, so they could walk to Victor’s together. They were all just waiting on Ricky to pick up some papers. The group chatted idly, except for Caleb. He was staring blankly at the doors, certain that if he did so for long enough something amazing would happen. Sure enough, after a moment Kali Rai came bursting through the door. She was charging ahead, clearly in a rush to get wherever she was going, and Caleb’s curiosity got the better of him. 

“Hey guys, I’ll head over to Victor’s place later. I wanna see what Kali’s up to. “

“Aight, man. You want pizza?” Ryan said. 

“Nah, I’ve got a chicken and rice at home.”

“Oki! Later.” Ryan turned back to the group and Caleb chased after Kali. It took him a minute moving at a reasonably fast pace to catch up with her, because she really was charging. She always moved a bit like she was trying to save the world. Caleb thought it was interesting, but too tiring for him to maintain. 

“Hey! Kali! What’s up?”

“Caleb. Hi!” She said, clearly still lost in thought. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to know where you were going.”

“Home, actually. Well, treehouse. But it might as well be home.”

“Really? Why are you in such a hurry?”

“I have ideas and I want to write them down. I need to be in there to think right.” She charged ahead, then stopped suddenly. 

“You can come too, if you want.” Then she turned back and started walking again. Caleb practically had to jog to keep up with her. By the time they got to the base of the treehouse he was almost out of breath. 

“You move too damn fast.”

“Sorry. People don’t usually come with me when I’m trying to think.”

“Oh, sorry..” Caleb said, suddenly awkward. 

“No, I meant… This is new but not in a bad way. You’re good to have around.”

“Oh. Thanks.” He climbed up the treehouse ladder behind her. The room was always just a bit more spacious than he expected it to be. It was so bright in there, lit in warm colors that made it feel homey. It was hard to imagine this place as the inside of a treehouse. The only indication of it’s true nature was the window, which let the natural light in. It was nice. 

Caleb settled down on a beanbag chair, and he watched as Kali paced in circles. She was muttering to herself, though as far as he could tell it didn’t make any sense. They were words, but not phrases. Every so often she would stop, and stare at her crime board. Caleb couldn’t make any sense of that either. Individually, he could recognize places or events or names. But he didn’t understand the connections between them. Kali was probably a lot smarter than he was, though. Or at least much more clever. 

“What do you think?” Caleb looked up again to see Kali staring him dead in the face. 

“About Durga?”

“Of course.”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I just know whatever happened must have been really shitty. It kind of makes me feel bad, actually.” At this Kali raised an eyebrow. 

“You feel bad? Why. It has nothing to do with you.”  
“But it does, in a way. Durga was your big sister. She was always over at my house, and she looked after us both. Something shitty happened to her, and I was there, and I didn’t notice or do anything about it.”

“You were like, ten. What could you have done.”

“I could have noticed. I could have said something”

“You could have found the mystery perp and kicked his ass with your ten year old muscles.” She chuckled a bit as she spoke. “Believe me, I spent so much time wondering if I was the reason she left, or if I could have done something to make her stay. But that kind of thinking won’t change anything. We were kids, Caleb. We didn’t know any better. It’s okay.” She smiled at him. 

“You’re really smart, Kali.” 

“I’m honored.” She began to pace again. Caleb realized it had been almost an hour. How could he sit here and completely lose track of time like that? Something about watching her walk around could totally absorb his mind. This place felt so comfortable. It was like a little time vortex. Time capsule? Whatever it was, it was nice to sit here and ignore the world for a while. Nothing to think about or do, he could just be. 

“Shouldn’t you go over to Victor’s place?” Kali asked. 

“You know Victor?” 

“We talk about anime sometimes. Anyway, aren’t you guys meeting there?”

“I told them I’d be late today because I wanted to see what you were up to.”

“Oh. Okay.” She spun around once, then sat down. “My brain is barely functioning. I’m not being very interesting, am I?” 

“Interesting can get old. Being here is so much more relaxing.” 

“Still, I need to figure stuff out. This case gets colder every day.”

“Well, what do you do when you need to think and the world is distracting?” She was silent for a moment. Then she smiled at the ground. 

“Vaudeville.” 

“Do that, then. It’s fun to watch.” She grinned when he said that. Then she bounced upwards, and in a flurry of movement she pulled out tap shoes and a little hat and put some music on. It was so smooth Caleb thought she must have rehearsed it. Then the singing started, and she began to dance. It was chaotic, but mesmerizing. Spinning in circles, waving her arms and tapping her feet. It was uncoordinated but somehow still on the rhythm. She didn’t dance like anyone else in the world. But she wasn’t like anyone else, either. She was alien, or inhuman in some way. Caleb didn’t know how to categorize her among the people in society. It wasn’t bad, or good. It’s just how she was. Inexplicable. 

She froze in place. The music continued, and her hair swirled around her, but she was still as a rock. 

“Are you okay?” Caleb asked. He stood up, and put a hand on her shoulder. 

“I… We know that something traumatic happened at a party at the JCC all those years ago. We know it was bad enough to change the course of her life, but not bad enough that the police were involved. We know that she wanted to do something about it, but was rendered unable to. My parents know, but they won’t tell me. There must be other people who know, though. They weren’t the only ones at that party. But nobody ever talks about it. So it must be some kind of taboo. Something that nobody wants to talk about. But….” She stopped again. 

“We don’t know anything for sure.” Caleb said. “We need more details.” 

“Where are we going to get more details, though? This happened almost a decade ago. Nothing is left.”

“The people are still there.”

“The people won’t say shit about it. We’ve been over this.”

“What if we set some sort of trap?” Caleb nodded to the computer. “Put something on the internet about Durga being back in town, and see if anyone starts talking about her. We might learn about some old gossip they wouldn’t tell you back then.” Kali smiled, and her eyes lit up. 

“That’s a great idea! They have a facebook page for the local brown folk. I can drop some hints on there and see if anybody notices. I’ll need a fake account, though… but people will notice if there’s someone new in town. This will take some thinking.” She turned to look at Caleb, still grinning widely. “Thanks for the idea, though. It’s brilliant.” 

“Anytime!” He smiled. “Are you going to start planning now?”

“Probably not. It will take me some time to develop. It needs to simmer for a while. Plus, I want to do something else for a while. I’ve been thinking about this non-stop for a couple weeks and it’s getting to me. I need to chill out for a bit, slow down and figure everything out.”

“Well, do you wanna go over to Victor’s house then? I’m sure Jenna wouldn’t mind having another girl around.” At this, Kali winced. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, don’t get me wrong. Your friends all seem really cool. There’s just kinda a lot of them, and I don’t really like big groups of people.”

“Ah, yeah. Anxiety. I think it would get to me too if those guys weren’t like family to me. Any other group of six people would give me hives.”

“Well, we have that in common. I’ll probably stay in here tonight and watch movies or something. I’ll find someone to hang out with tomorrow.”

“We can go somewhere. You and me and whoever you wanna invite.”

“Won’t your girlfriend mind? You’re spending a lot of time away from her.”

“I’m hanging out with her tonight at Victor’s. Besides, we spend so much time together, I’m sure she won’t mind me hanging out with some other friends.” Caleb chuckled. “She’s pretty much the coolest girlfriend ever.” Kali laughed too, but then her face fell. She took a deep breath and turned to him. 

“Caleb, why are you being so nice to me?”

“Oh, sorry, am I making you uncomfortable? I can back off…”

“No, it’s just… it’s been a while since we talked, and then suddenly you sort of stumbled back into my life, and you’re helping me with my quest, and you seem to be concerned about my well being and you want to be friends and hang out and that’s all great but I don’t really understand why you’re doing all that and it makes me kinda nervous.”

“Oh.” Caleb was taken aback for a moment. Her words struck him as something he would say, the mix of anxious and overly blunt and awkward blending into a rambling paragraph of almost meaningless words. 

“You don’t have to answer, it’s stupid.”

“No, no. I just need to think of a way to explain it.” He paused for a moment, and then spoke. “This sounds mean, but in a way, I’m using you for closure. I have always felt terrible about not trying to help when things got bad, and I always felt even worse about not being a good friend and checking up on you when she disappeared. I tried to make myself feel better by saying you seemed happy, since you had a boyfriend and other friends who would be there for you, and that you wouldn’t want me to randomly butt in. But I knew somewhere deep down that it wasn’t true. I could have been there and I wasn’t. Then when I heard you were looking for her, I thought it was my chance. I could make up for my mistakes, maybe the things I should have done back then, starting with being a good friend.” He took a deep breath, then looked up at her. She was staring at him in a way that made him want to break eye contact, but some other part of him couldn’t look away. 

“You don’t owe me anything, Caleb. But I appreciate it, a lot.” She sat down again, staring at the wall of clues. “I do have friends, who are amazing, but none of them knew her. Everyone who knew her refuses to talk about it. They don’t want to think about it, or they don’t want to be a part of it. It’s like they’re trying to erase her, make it look like she was never here.” She turned back to Caleb. “You’re the only one who remembers her like I do.”

Caleb sat down next to Kali, and stared at the same wall with her. He did remember Durga, almost perfectly. It had been years but the details of it all never left him. She was one of those people that engraved themselves on your life. It wasn’t that he didn’t forget her, it was that he couldn’t forget her. Not that he had ever wanted to. 

“I absolutely do not mean this as an insult, but your sister was a crazy bitch.” Caleb said. Kali laughed, almost snorting. Caleb knew that meant he had caught her off guard, and she thought it was genuinely funny. 

“You are absolutely right.”

“Remember that time she convinced us to try and dig a pool in my backyard?” Caleb said. 

“Oh my GOD I’d almost forgotten! Your parents were so mad when they got home. I don’t know how she got away with that, but she always did.”

“Always! It was incredible!”

“Do you remember the time she made a ‘magic potion’ stand and convinced all the little kids in the neighborhood it would make you grow ten inches overnight?”

“OH SHIT yeah and then Yash Devan’s mom came over and yelled at her for almost two hours? She threatened to call the police!”  
“Remember the time she did call the police on Hayden’s dad for saying she needed to stop riding her bike in front of his house?”

“That guy was the  _ worst _ . He would bitch for hours about kids making a mess in a five hundred foot radius of his house, and then he’d let Hayden do whatever he wanted and fucking litter all over the neighborhood.”

“She got away with it that time because everyone hated Hayden’s dad.”

“She really was a sight to behold.” Caleb stopped, lost in his memories for a moment. Then he turned to Kali. “If you ever want to talk about her, you can call me. I’m never too busy for a trip down memory lane.”

“Thanks.” Kali grinned at him. Then she stood. “Now get out! You need to go kiss your girlfriend and I need my alone time.” Caleb laughed as she pushed him out the door. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow! Don’t forget!”

* * *

_ Victor’s was chill, as always. I think I was a little out of it, since I was excited. Every day with Kali Rai is an adventure. I’m going on an adventure tomorrow. Who wouldn’t be excited? _

_ I guess you can't. You're a notebook. What a sad life that must be.  _

_ Goodnight:) _


	11. in which nothing much happens at the mall

_ I’m really excited to hang out with Kali today. She told me we were going to the mall, with Adi. I haven’t talked to him much, but Kali seems to trust him a lot. Plus, he’s gay, and gay people are usually pretty chill. Is that homophobic? I don’t think so… I don’t mean it in a weird stereotyping way. I just meant that they tend to be a bit more understanding of other people than straight people. Maybe this is a weird thing for a straight person to say.  _

_ I guess if it is a homophobic thing to say, I’m sorry to all the gays. My bad.  _

* * *

It was a rainy day, but that didn’t matter much to Caleb. He was going to spend the day inside anyway. He had already told Jenna what he would be up to today, and she had heartily agreed. Apparently she was already planning on taking Matthew out for dinner anyway. They had some show or something that they both liked? Caleb had zoned out a bit, honestly. He didn’t mean to do it, but he did often. Either way, she was going to be fine without him, so he was good to go. He had elected to walk, since his bike would slide in the rain. He had gone home after school, and ditched his backpack. It would be too much work to carry all his textbooks around the mall. 

He pushed open the front doors and took in the sight. It was a warm place, with good lighting, and it smelled like a strange mix of french fries and pretzels and ice cream. He couldn’t hear much over his earbuds, but there seemed to be some kind of hum. It wasn’t crowded, but there were enough people to make it seem alive. It was a wonderful place to be, this mall. Caleb liked it all quite a lot. 

Kali told him she would meet him in the food court, so he thought it would be fine to wait around there. She would find him, wouldn’t she? She seemed to be able to find him even when she wasn’t looking. They would always stumble into each other nowadays. Maybe it was deliberate, and Caleb was just a real idiot. 

“Caleb!” Someone called. It wasn’t Kali’s voice. Caleb turned to see Adi. 

“Oh, hey!”

“Hi! Sorry, Kali sent me to come get you. She’s harassing my boyfriend.”

“Oh, you know I know?”

“Yeah, Kali told me. She said you’re chill.”

“Chill is not how I would describe myself, but I’m not homophobic” At this, Adi laughed. 

“I see you’re no stoner”

“I could never. I thrive on the anxiety”

“Well you clearly are thriving.” Adi winked at Caleb. He was the kind of person you could instantly feel comfortable around, like you knew him your whole life. Caleb already wanted to tell his guy everything he knew about himself.

“Where are we heading?”

“Viva. Mario and Kali both work there.”

“Oh, that clothing store.”

“Yeah! It’s a crazy place.”

“I don’t think clothing stores can qualify as ‘crazy’. They are all inherently somewhat boring.”

“That’s an opinion many people would disagree with”

“Would you?”

“Not at all. Clothes are almost always bland.” Adi stuck his tongue out. “Mario’s the kind who loves to shop, but it always bores the hell out of me.”

“I always escape doing it with my girlfriend. She comes here with her friends and they all hate me, so it works out.”  
“Strange but effective. Mario’s friends don’t know I exist, so I guess they can’t hate me.” he shrugged. 

“Is he not out yet?” Caleb asked. 

“No. He’s homeschooled, and his parents are super conservative. He’s not out to anyone but me and Kali. And you now, I guess.”

“That must be tough for him” 

“Yeah, it is. I mean, I’m not out to most people either, but I still have personal friends who I can talk to about it. He only has me. Kali and him get along pretty well, but they know each other through me. It’s different.”

“She’s a friend of a friend. And I’m a friend of a friend of a friend. Not really people you can talk to about personal things.”

“Yeah, you get it. I’ve pretty much accepted that my parents are always going to be bitches about this. I’m resigned to just waiting it out till I’m old enough to move away. But he’s still hoping that his parents will come around, or that they’ll magically change their minds. So it’s hard for him to be at home.” Adi looked at the ground as he walked. Caleb was suddenly reminded of just how lucky he was. His parents were very accepting of anything. They were pretty young, though. His thoughts were interrupted as they arrived at Viva. 

“Hey!” A tall white boy ran up to Adi. He pecked him on the cheek, and then turned. “You must be Caleb!”

“Yeah! You’re Mario?” At this, the boy rolled his eyes. 

“My name is Ben. These motherfuckers always call me Mario.”

“Why?”

“I wore a red shirt and overalls once. Kali’s a fucking bully.” He turned and gestured at Kali, who was behind the counter ruffling through her bag. 

“Oh. So would you rather be called Ben?”

“I’m used to it at this point.” the boy shrugged. “Whatever you prefer.”

“Mario, then” Caleb smiled. Adi wrapped an arm around Mario, and leaned into him gently. Mario looked at the ground, trying not to make eye contact. He was adorable. They were so cute together. It reminded him of Jenna, in a way. She was a little bashful when they first got together. Of course, about a week in she got over it and became the brazen person she was now. Her last relationship had been pretty shitty, so Caleb was always proud that she could be comfortable with him. Kali approached them, and smiled. 

“I see you all have been acquainted.”

“Yeah, we’ve been introduced to the infamous Caleb.” Mario grinned. “So, what’s the plan today?”

“Get some food, maybe? Or just wander around.” Kali shrugged. “Whatever you guys wanna do.”

“How am I infamous?” Caleb asked. 

“Inside joke.” Kali said. “Sorry. Anyway, I’m in the mood for some french fries and a good long meander.”

“We can meander, then.” Adi said. He grabbed Mario’s hand and started walking, just a few steps ahead of Caleb and Kali. The couple chatted about something or other, while Caleb and Kali walked in silence. It was a comfortable silence. Caleb had left an earbud in, and the mix of the music and the hum of the group was making him calm, almost sleepy. It was strangely cathartic being here. He felt this way often with Kali. She was like music in a crowded place. 

“How are you feeling?” Caleb asked. Kali smiled. 

“Pretty good. I’m still working on that project. Still trying to figure out the right strategy.”

“Do you want some help with it?”

“No.” She said. “Sorry. I’d rather do it myself.”

“That’s okay.” Caleb said. They walked in silence a little longer. Mario and Adi were laughing about something. They seemed happy together. They seemed… settled? Everything in his world had been in this upheaval. The old way was fading out in exchange for a new, unfamiliar way of being. A new order. But that change wasn’t universal. It was isolated, a single outlying case. The rest of the world was going on like nothing had changed. Everything else out here was fine. It was just his world that had gotten so weird. For him it was recent, but this wasn’t new to Kali at all. Was her life always like this? Were things always changing for her. Things were always different, always weird and unknown. That must have been a terrible way to grow up. She was always just a few seconds away from him, always just a moment of curiosity, but he didn’t ever have the courage to talk to her. He was afraid, or he had been afraid but now he wasn’t. 

“You look like you’re thinking about something.” Kali said. Caleb raised an eyebrow at this. 

“Weird. Usually everybody says I have a resting bitch face.”

“Yeah, and when you’re not talking then you’re thinking. So what are you thinking about.”

“Nothing in particular. Just sort of, everything. All the stuff that’s happened. I already told you about it.” 

“Anything changed.” 

“Not really. Matthews doing okay, though. Jenna and the guys are taking good care of him.”  
“While you’re here taking care of me.”

“You really don’t need to be taken care of, though. It’s more like I’m just tagging along.”

“Same difference.” She smiled at him. Then she turned her nose to the air. “Oooh, French Fries.” She called out to the others. “French! Fries! Now!” 

“Do you know the word please?” Adi complained.

“French! Fries! Now! Please!” She said. She skipped ahead a few steps, her hair bouncing against her back. “Come on Come on Come on!!!!” she brushed past the boys into the food court.

“Well, I guess we’ve got to follow her now.” Adi said. “She never waits for anyone else.”

“Sometimes I think she doesn’t remember us.” Mario said. He seemed like he was joking, but it made Caleb wonder. Did she remember them? Did they matter to her? She seemed like a kind person, and someone who was empathetic, but sometimes… she felt so distant. Then again, he wasn’t one of her close friends. Maybe she was just distant from him. 

“Mc! Don! Nal!” Kali chanted. She turned to the group and grinned widely. “Order whatever you want. It’s on me!”

“Hell yeah!” Adi said. He immediately rushed forward to join Kali in discussing the merits of various options on the menu. It only took them a few minutes to order, but the sheer amount of food seemed to puzzle the counter workers. They ended up carrying three trays over to a nearby table, completely filled with various oily foods. Kali and Adi chatted about something or other, while Mario listened intently. He didn’t seem very talkative, which wasn’t how Caleb had read him at first. He seemed more open at first, and then he became more closed off as they made their way here. Caleb recalled what Aadi said about him not being out to his parents. Maybe he was afraid of getting caught, if someone saw him acting too close to Adi. Still, he seemed to be having fun, even though he wasn’t talking. Just like Caleb was with his friends. Maybe he and Mario were very similar. 

“You good, Caleb?” Adi asked. “You’ve been staring at that French Fry like it killed your parents in a terrible passion.”

“Hmm?” He sat up with a start. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Really cool description though.”  
“Thank you. Came up with it myself.”

“I don’t think you did, actually,” Kali stole a fry from Adi’s try as she spoke, motivating him to swat at her. She hit him back. They seemed to be playing, but the noise the impact made made Caleb wince. She had always been stronger than she looked. 

He could remember when they were kids, and they would wrestle around in the grass behind his house. She almost always won. That might have been on him, though. He didn’t do much exercise until he was in high school, and Ryan convinced him to join the track team. He’d gotten a lot stronger since then. Victor was the only soft one in their friend group, not that it mattered. Nobody would ever bully Victor. He was one of the homies, and nobody in their right mind would pick a fight with Ricky. Not unless they had a death wish. Ricky had only ever been in a fight one time, but it had cemented his reputation forever. 

It was lunch. There had been some kind of argument, though none of them had been involved. Caleb didn’t remember it clearly, since after things got violent he zoned all the way out. Ryan had pulled him out of the room eventually. Apparently, someone had said something too loud that got Ricky real pissed off. The guy left that day with two black eyes and a broken arm. Apparently, the fight had already been well finished when Ricky had decided to get one last hit in, and that was what broke the kids arm. He had been suspended for a while. Ricky never talked about it, but everybody remembered. 

It was strange, because Ricky wasn’t a violent person. It seemed so out of character for him. Maybe Caleb should ask him about it sometime. Some other time, though, when they had the chance to really talk about it. 

“You guys wanna get walking?” Kali asked. Caleb looked to see that she and Aadi had completely demolished the food on the table. He had only had a large fries, and yet there was nothing left on the table. 

“Wow.”

“I’m a growing boy!” Kali said. She pushed away from the table, and stood up. “It’s meandering time.”

“Whatever you say,” Adi said, grinning. Mario and him stood up in perfect synchronicity, and then they laughed. Caleb decided to stop thinking for a bit. He just wanted to zone out and distract Kali along with him. It would be a better use of his day than just tagging along mindlessly. So he took a deep breath and then stood up. 

“Let’s go!”

* * *

_ I had a lot of fun today. Mario seemed really shy, but when we were mostly alone he seemed to really come out of his shell. I think it must be hard living in constant fear that if you act like yourself, you’ll get hurt. I’m really lucky, aren’t I? Adi was also really fun to be around. He didn’t seem to mind that I’m not the talkative sort, and that made me want to talk more. It’s easy to joke around with someone knowing that if you stop, they won’t take it personally. And Kali seemed to be so in her element with them. She was cracking jokes and trying on weird outfits and picking on everybody. She seemed to be enjoying herself. She felt like she was really there, ya know? Like she was living in the moment. It was really good to see.  _

_ I always feel like a bit of a hypocrite for caring about her. Because I do care about her, genuinely, but I never acted on it. For such a long time I didn’t say shit to her. I cared, but apparently didn’t care enough to actually do anything about it. I don’t know if I deserve to be around her. Even now, am I doing it because I care? Or am I doing it because I need closure? I’m trying to help her out, but I always feel like she doesn’t really need me there. That she’s just letting me be there so I can feel better about myself. I think sometimes that I’m just there to make myself feel better. To ease my guilt. I say I wanna make up for the past, but maybe I just wanna prove to myself that I’m not a shitty person.  _

_ Maybe I am a shitty person. _


	12. in which we talk to Maureen again, remember her?

There really isn’t much to discuss today. I’ve got therapy, so I’ve gotta mentally prepare to unload a bunch of stuff onto Maureen. Honestly? Kinda looking forward to it. So much going on, ya know?   
\-----------------

“Are you sure you’re okay, Caleb?” Maureen asked. She had asked this four times already, but she didn’t seem to believe him.  
“Yeah, I am. I’m finally getting that closure, ya know?” He shifted in his seat. “I am going to figure out everything that happened with Durga and Kali. I won’t have to feel guilty anymore.”  
“Yes, and I understand how that could improve your mental state, but there is also the situation with this new boy, Matthew. Caleb, you’re very close to your friends.”  
“You don’t have to tell me that. I know.”  
“More than just liking them, or them being your family. They are one of your support columns. They’re a pillar holding up your being. Then, all of a sudden, there’s a lot of change. The pillars are getting moved around. Naturally, this would be scary for you. I worry that you’re in denial about how you are really feeling.” She looked at him. “Denying your emotions now will make them worse later on.” At this, Caleb shook his head.   
“I know, but I really do feel just fine. I haven’t had a panic attack since all of this started. I think that I’ve finally grown up. I think that I’ve figured out how to handle things like an adult.”  
“And what, exactly, have you figured out?”  
“I dunno. I must have, though. I’m doing really good, Maureen. Really, really good.”  
“That’s what concerns me, Caleb.” She sighed. “But I don’t think that I can convince you of anything else right now. I just want to give you some advice.”  
“That is what I pay you for.”  
“Technically, the insurance covers this.”  
“Whatever. What’s the advice?”  
“Keep people around you who will be okay when you break. Or I should say, if you break. You could be right, after all. But make sure you have someone who will know how to help you.”  
“I will! Is that all for today?” Caleb asked. The clock said it was almost four, about time for him to head home.  
“I suppose.” Maureen closed her file. “Take care of yourself, Caleb.”  
“I will! You don’t have to worry.” Caleb stood up and smiled. “I’ve got it all under control.”   
As he biked home, he thought more about the situation. Maybe Maureen was right. Maybe he should be more panicked than he was. But truthfully, it felt really good to be helping people. He was helping Kali, and Matthew, and he felt like he was actually making a difference. This might be why Jenna always felt so good. She was always helping people, always trying to make the world a better place. Help other people. What a thought.   
He slipped into his house almost silently, and lay down on his bed. Then he got up. He had too much energy right now, too much hype. His parents weren’t home. He shot them a quick text, and then he headed over to Victors. He didn’t know who else was there today, but someone would be there. Someone was always at Victor’s place. Sure enough, there were a bunch of bikes parked outside. He pulled the spare key out from under the welcome mat, and opened the door. He heard laughter from downstairs, so he grabbed a snack and headed down there. Victor, Matthew, and Jenna were all down there, having worked halfway through a giant bowl of popcorn.   
“Caleb!” Jenna leaped off the couch and into his arms. He swung her around, like a scene at the end of some rom-com. He didn’t watch many rom-coms, but maybe he should. They seemed like fun. Having Jenna be right there next to him was certainly fun.   
“Hey, babe” He said into her shoulder.   
“Hey! How are you”  
“I’m doing really good.”  
“STOP CANOODLING” Victor yelled. He leapt up and pointed at them, flipping his hair back as he did. “We have a strict no-canoodling rule in the basement.”  
“That’s bullshit” Caleb said. “We used to cuddle all the time.”  
“Cuddling and Canoodling are different, you whores.” Victor scoffed.   
“Damn, I do love a good cuddle” Matthew said. He smiled. Caleb wondered when Matthew had last cuddled someone. Everyone he was close to lived super far away.   
“Let’s fucking cuddle then!” Caleb said. He pushed Jenna towards the couch. “Cuddle buddies!”   
“That’s so cute, Caleb.” Jenna. “I thought I was your only cuddle buddy.”  
“I’m sorry, Jenna. I’ve been cheating on you.”  
“I… I can’t believe this…. After everything we’ve been through.” She laughed, and they both sat down. Caleb and Matthew sat on either end of the couch, with Jenna between them. Victor decided to dramatically lay himself down across all three of their laps, scooching in closer just to make everyone uncomfortable.   
“Cuddle Times.” He said, contentedly. “Everybody shut up.” For a while, they sat like that. Victor was a surprisingly effective blanket, and Caleb was holding Jenna’s hand, and they were all sitting together with the only sound being the occasional laugh. It was a perfect moment. It made sense that he wasn’t anxious anymore these days. Everything was so good, ya know? He was doing good, and he had awesome friends and an incredible girlfriend. That’s everything you could want from life. Then the episode ended.   
“What do you guys wanna do now?” Victor asked. He rolled off of their laps, landing on the floor with a concerning thud.   
“Do you have any board games?” Matthew asked. “I’m a GOD at monopoly.”  
“We’ve got a Monopoly board around here somewhere.” Caleb said. “Victor, do you wanna go get it?”  
“No. But you can.” He lay spread-eagled on the floor, and it was clear he wasn’t moving.   
“Fine.” He patted Jenna’s thigh and stood up. “I’ll be right back.”  
When he returned to the basement, the three of them were sitting in a circle. He set down the monopoly box in the center, and then he did his favorite thing in the world; he tuned out. The rest of them set up the board, and he pulled aside the money-holder-thing.   
“I’ll be the banker.”  
“You sure, babe? We can self-bank. It’s the twenty-first century, we have ATMS”  
“Worst case scenario, we can use a mobile banking app.” Matthew said, laughing at his own joke.  
“Nah, I like being a banker. It’s fun.”  
“If you want to,” Jenna said, and then she pulled out a token for herself. He always liked being the banker. It was so much simpler than trying to play the mind games and make better deals and calculating how much money you needed. Being a banker was fun, too, because he could just give people money. It made him feel like an old, wise philanthropist with an eye for talented youth. Plus, he didn’t have to pay attention to what the properties were. It was easier and also better. He could probably write a whole essay about how much fun it was to be a banker.   
He started sorting the money into the little section, and picking out specific sets of bills amounting to frequent change needs. Then he decided that was a stupid idea and reorganized the bills by color. He set them all up in descending order by price, but then changed his mind and put them in rainbow order. Then he decided to line them up vertically into the money-holder. Because of this it only took up half the space available, he decided this method was inefficient. Someone asked him for change for a 500 and he gave it to them, but this meant that the stacks were uneven. So he decided to lay out all the extra bills in separate stacks, so that the main stacks would remain even. He could pull from the excess piles for the next few transactions.   
He decided to tune back into the conversation for a minute. Matthew and Jenna were laughing about something. Jenna was doing her snort laugh, which made Caleb grin. She tried to hide that one, so if she had let it out it meant something really funny had happened. Victor was staring at him, though. When Caleb met his eye he looked away. This was pretty normal behavior for Victor, so Caleb decided not to question it.   
He smiled for a moment, completely without thoughts. Then he decided he didn’t want to be here anymore. He wanted to go see Kali, or take a walk, or ride over to the nearest McDonalds and get himself a large fries. The basement was too dark, and it was a shame to be in it on such a nice day.   
“Would it be super rude if I headed out? I’m craving fast food.”  
“Not at all.” Matthew said. “We do have mobile banking.”  
“You sure you wanna leave, Caleb?” Victor asked.   
“Yeah, I think I need grease and salt, for fuel.” he laughed. “I’ll bet a solid 20 on Matthew winning this game, though. Let me know how it goes.”  
“Why aren’t you betting on me, babe?”  
“Because I don’t want to lose. See you later.” He bent down and kissed her on the forehead, and then he walked upstairs. He was about to exit when he heard a voice behind him.   
“Hey, Caleb!” It was Jenna. He turned around. “Do you want me to come with?”  
“No, I’m good, you should finish the game.”  
“Are you sure?” She took his hand. “You’ve been avoiding the gang. I thought your anxiety might be causing it.”  
“Actually, I’ve been doing really well.” He smiled at her. “All this crazy stuff happened to me, but for once in my life I’m handling it. I feel like I’m actually helping the people I care about, so I’m not feeling that anxious anymore. Right now, I just really want some french fries and vitamin D.” Jenna smiled back at him.  
“Okay. But if it even gets hard you know you can talk to me, right?”  
“Of course. I love you.” He leaned forward to kiss her. He could feel her smile widen under his lips.   
“I love you too, Caleb.” She turned and headed back downstairs, and he went outside. She loved him. What a pleasant thought.   
\-----------------  
French fries are delicious. Also, my friends are amazing and my girlfriend is amazing and I love my life. Everything is good. :) Also, I’m super excited for the buffet this sunday. It’s the first time I’ve been outside in a big group for a long time, and I think I’m going to enjoy it.


	13. in which an unreasonably large group of people eats an unreasonably large amount of food.

_ Today is Buffet Day!!! Time to go on a little adventure. Some would say this isn’t an adventure. Characters in a book, or perhaps people who travel the world. But for me, this is an adventure. I am a little nervous, but mostly about the possibility that we get kicked out of Old Country Buffet. I like that place, and I would really like to go back. We’re meeting out in front, and we’re going to figure out how best to maximize our Buffet time. It should be fun. Should be. I’m excited for it. I am.  _

* * *

The sky was shining almost too brightly in the sky. It was blinding, and Caleb wanted to raise his hand and block out the light. Instead, he reached a hand out to shield Jenna’s face. She grinned at him, and held her hand up to shield him. So they both stood, awkwardly, but smiling, blocking out the sun for one another. 

“You’re both stupid.” Ryan said, wrapping his arms around both of them. “Just put a hat on, dumb fucks.”

“Hats aren’t nearly as romantic” Jenna said. 

“I swear, you’re the only person who could get romance out of this idiot” Ryan said, gesturing wildly at Caleb. 

“I’m special like that,” She said. She looked at the ground, almost shy. Shy was an unusual emotion for Jenna. Normally she would start bantering with Ryan immediately. Maybe something was up. Caleb made a mental note to ask her about it later. They stood on the sidewalk outside the buffet, waiting for the rest of their friends to join them. 

“Who’s coming today?” Caleb asked. 

“Me, you, Jenna, Victor, Ricky, Matthew, Aadi, Kali, and Ben.”

“You know Mario?” Caleb asked. 

“Who?”

“Oh, Ben.”

“Hmm? Yeah, he’s a friend from some intramural sports. Aadi mentioned that he knew him so I invited him to join.”

“Oh, weird. I met him the other day.”

“Unsurprising. Prairie is small as fuck.” Ryan pointed. “There he is!” He gestured towards an oncoming group of people. Caleb turned to see Kali, Aadi, and Mario walking towards them. 

“Eh! Mario!” Ryan yelled. Caleb winced. 

“Not you too.” he said, jogging to meet them. Kali laughed, and pumped her fist in the air. “Smug is a bad look on you.”

“Every look is a good look on me.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and smiled. 

“Hey, Kaali, Adi.” Ryan said. “Y’all looking good.”

“Hell yeah we are.” Adi said, giving Ryan one of those bro handshakes. Kali just nodded at him, and smiled. Jenna grabbed Caleb’s hand, and then Kali’s with the other. 

“I’m so excited for this! You guys are awesome.” She swung their hands with a fervor she usually only reserved for making out or football games. She really was excited for this. 

“Now we just wait for Matthew and Victor and Ricky.” 

“When do you think they’ll come?” Adi asked. 

“Probably twenty minutes late.” Ryan joked. 

“Should we just head in then?” Jenna asked. 

“Probably.” Ryan looked inside. “It doesn’t look crowded yet, so it would be best to get a table now.” 

“We need to plan first.” Kali said. “How we’re going to do this, ya know?”

“Do you think they’re going to kick us out?”  
“Well, no, but we can’t stay unless we’re eating and we can’t eat infinitely.”

“Good point. So at least one of us always has to be eating.” Ryan said. “Assuming each of us can minimum eat lunch, snack, and dinner, that’s three meals, or three servings of food. Nine people, that’s twenty-seven meals. They close at 9, so we’ll definitely be kicked out then. If we want to stay from now till closing, one person will have to eat something every twenty minutes.”

“Wow.” Caleb said. “That was fast.”

“A good strategy. We can have the people who can eat more go with them, so it doesn’t look as weird. One person getting a meal-sized-meal and someone else eating ice cream or salad or something.”

“I want a salad so bad right now.” Jenna said. “Let’s go Let’s go Let’s gooooooooo.” She started to drag Caleb and Kali into the buffet. Caleb smiled at this. He loved how she got when she was enthusiastic. He turned to look at Kali, and for a moment time stopped. All of a sudden, he was seven years old again. He had no problems, no anxiety or guilt or fear or frustration, just the desire to keep playing with the girl in front of him. She was bright like the sun, but all he wanted was to look at her. He didn’t know anything about the world, or all the terrible things that went on in it. He only knew of his little town, of the confines of his backyard and the incredible fantasy worlds she could build in it. 

Then they reached the door, and the noise from inside the buffet came rushing in, and everything faded. He was a high school senior in a buffet with his closest friends. It was exciting to be here, too. Jenna let go of his hand and went up to the hostess. 

“Excuse me, we need a place for nine people? Some of them aren’t here yet, but they’ll be arriving soon.”

“Alright, give us a moment to move some tables together. We’ll get enough places for nine people and then seat you.”

“Thank you so much!” Jenna turned back to the group. “You heard her. Let’s just wait for a bit.” They all sat down on the bench, except for Kali, who chose to lean against the wall since there wasn’t much space left. Aadi offered to let her sit in his lap, but she refused. Mario and Aadi sat next to each other, almost on each other’s laps but not quite. Ryan sat next to him, and Caleb was on the other end. Jenna was in his lap, with her legs over Ryans. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned onto his shoulder. 

“Ahhhh, I’m so hungry.”

“Just wait a bit, Jenna. Did you have breakfast?” Caleb said. 

“I had juice.” 

“Here,” Caleb said, and he pulled a granola bar out of his pocket.”

“Did you bring this for me?” She smiled. 

“Yep. Dumbass.” He wrapped his arms around her waist. 

“Why did you bring anything for me, babe?” Ryan asked, reaching out to stroke Caleb’s face. Caleb attempted to bite his hand, but Ryan’s reflexes were too fast. Jenna broke the granola bar in half, and gestured to him with it. 

“Do you want some?”

“Wait!” A new voice said. Matthew, Victor, and Ricky had just arrived. Matthew pulled a granola bar out of his jacket pocket. “Here. Eat this one.” Then he pushed Jenna’s hand back towards her. “You eat all of that”.

“Thanks, man.” Ryan said. “Y’all really love granola bars, I guess.”

“Yeah, it’s the same kind and everything.” Jenna said. “Caleb, he’s your granola twin.”

“I hate granola bars, actually.” At this, Matthew laughed. 

“Me too.”

“I guess we are twins.” Caleb laughed. Then he buried his face and Jenna’s neck, and tuned out the world. It was so easy to be here, just with his friends and enjoying himself. Jenna was so warm, and the sun was shining, and everything in the world was good. 

“Alright, we’ve prepared a table for your group. Please, follow me.” She led the group close to the back corner of the room, where three tables had been pushed together. One side was lined with chairs and the other was one of those couch benches. Caleb immediately picked the corner. He let the other’s take a seat naturally as they came. He ended up sitting between Ricky and Kali. This made sense to him. He hung out with Jenna all the time, so it didn’t bother him to be a little bit away from her. Plus, she would have more fun with the talkative people in the group. He and Ricky could just vibe together over here. Kali, too. She was a fun person to be around. Adi and Mario were laughing about something, and she was drawing little circles on the table with her finger. 

“Who’s gonna eat first?” Ryan asked. 

“Me! Salad!” Jenna jumped up. 

“I’m hungry too. Care if I join you?” Matthew asked. 

“Not at all!” Jenna said. She smiled at him, and then looked at Caleb. There was a little furrow in her eyebrow, like she got when she was nervous. She knew him better than to be the jealous type, though. Maybe she just needed a reminder. Caleb smiled, and gave her a big thumbs up. 

“Grab me a cookie or something.”

“Of course, babe.” She winked at him. Then she turned and headed towards the buffet, a little bounce in her step. She was so cute. 

He leaned his head on his hand, and turned to Ricky. 

“How ya doing?”

“Yup.” Ricky turned, grinned for a fleeting moment, and then went back to playing Tetris on his phone. Typical Ricky. He was fine. Caleb turned to Kali instead. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be.” Kali asked. “We’re having a fun day out with friends and also doing some anticapitalist work. What’s not to like?”

“I would not categorize this as anticapitalist, necessarily.”

“It’s more fun if you do, though.”

“Thats… you can’t really define things by what you would enjoy the most.”

“Why can’t I?”

“Because then bad people would get to choose what’s good or bad based on whatever they want it to be. Things have to be objective, or else there’s no reasoning with anyone.” Kali looked at him. She tilted her head, and then smiled. 

“You’re right, of course. You gave a very good reason.” She didn’t sound happy.

“Thanks..? Um..” He decided to just ask her. “Did I say something wrong?” At this, she laughed. 

“Not at all. You said something right. It was just a harsh reminder that the way I live my life is unsustainable.”

“Well, for anyone else it would be. Not for you.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Kali said. “I’m no different than anybody else.”

“Those types of rules apply to people. You’re not a person.” She chuckled. 

“Rude.”

“I mean, in a good way. You’re not a person in a positive way. I’m sorry, that sounded so weird, I really didn’t know what I was saying when I said it, I just kinda said what came to my mind first without considering how strange it actually was, and -”

“It’s okay, Caleb.” Kali put a hand on his shoulder. “I get it.” Caleb sighed, and smiled at her. 

“Sometimes I get weird.”

“You’re always weird, Caleb.” She said. Then she stood up. “I’m hungry. Who’s coming with me to grab something.” Caleb looked to see that Jenna and Matthew had returned, and were happily eating whatever it was they had gotten. Somehow, he hadn’t noticed. Somehow. He was really stupid these days. You could throw a rock at his head and he wouldn’t notice. 

“I’ll go!” Ryan said. “Mario, you come too.”

“Okay.” Mario stood up, and followed Ryan and Kali away. Caleb smiled, and zoned out. He was thinking about what Kali had said earlier, about letting things be whatever made you happiest. He supposed that it could be fun. It must be fun, to just make the world be whatever you want it to be. But that wasn’t real. No matter how much time you spent pretending things were one way, or that your life was in a certain state, you can’t change reality. To have a good life, you have to actually try and make changes. You can’t just pretend your life is good when it’s not. 

Caleb didn’t think he was pretending. Sure, bad things were happening. But he was handling all of it. He was doing well. Maureen had said he was in denial. He was doing really good right now, because things had changed. He was seeing things clearly, right?

He decided at that moment not to question it. He was sure he could think himself into an anxiety spiral, and he wasn’t going to let that ruin his fun day out with his friends. So, he joined the conversation. He wasn’t sure what everyone was talking about, only that everyone was laughing and it made him laugh too. Eventually he got up and ate, multiple times actually. Unfortunately, they didn’t make it to dinnertime. The staff came around five and told them that they had to respectfully ask them to leave. They did, because they weren’t complete assholes. They all decided to go home and sleep off their heavy stomachs, and so they split up. Mario, Kali, and Adi all walked together. Victor and Matthew headed home, and Ryan decided to go with them. Ricky said he wanted to go out first, and that he would text them all later. Jenna and Caleb headed home together, hand in hand. 

They walked for a few minutes in peaceful silence. They were both full, possibly too stuffed to actually speak. Caleb expected the rest of the walk to be that way. Then Jenna spoke. 

“What do you think of Matthew?”

“What do I think?” Caleb laughed. “I think he’s awesome. He’s so chill, even after all the shit that’s happened. It’s honestly impressive. If he is upset, he’s really holding it together in front of everyone.”

“I mean, he is really sad.” Jenna said. She looked up at the sky as she walked, and Caleb stared at her. “His parents meant the world to him. He feels like he needs to keep it together for his sister. He also has all this guilt about staying at Victor’s. He feels like they had this good system set up and he and Megan crashed it. I know he feels bad about joining the group, since you guys have been friends forever. You’re all so close to each other, he doesn’t feel like he can really become part of your group. I know how that feels. When you and I first started dating, I felt like I was trying to be a part of something that wasn’t made for me. You guys have always made me feel really welcome and included, but I’ll never have the history you all do. Matthew feels the same way. He feels like a burden. It’s really terrible, to feel like that.” 

“You spend a lot of time with Matthew.” Caleb said. She turned to him, eyes wide. 

“I--”

“It’s why I like you, Jenna. You care about people. You’re always so empathetic, and when people need you, you’re always there. You’re amazing, Jenna.” Caleb smiled at her. She looked at the ground. She stopped walking for a moment, and Caleb turned to face her. “You okay? Did I say something weird?”

“No, it’s… Thank you, Caleb.” She looked up at him, and smiled brightly, the way she always did. 

“I love you,” He said. He tapped her nose. 

“I love you too,” She leaned in and kissed him. It was moments like this when the world could just fade away. He was there, kissing her, and she was there, kissing him, and everything was good. After a few moments, or maybe a few minutes, she pulled away. “Let’s go home.”

* * *

_ I am the luckiest man alive, aren’t I?  _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
